


run me like a river

by lemonbreeze



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Catfishing ?, Childhood Friends, Enemies to Lovers, Friends to Enemies, Implied Sexual Content, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Multiple, Pining, Slow Burn, norenhyuck childhood friends, they have been through hell and back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:15:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26828719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonbreeze/pseuds/lemonbreeze
Summary: Jeno moved to Germany when they were eleven. It wouldn't be a surprise if they drifted apart – time differences, new culture and friends. However, the problem doesn't start there. Donghyuck stays in contact with Jeno for years after his move.The problem starts when Donghyuck falls in love because Jeno thinks he is talking to Renjun instead – small prank, big consequences.The worst of all? Jeno loves Renjun, not him.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 36
Kudos: 140
Collections: '00 FIC FEST ROUND TWO





	1. assume you know nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #00142 
> 
> Dear prompter, this was probably not what you expected but I hope you still can find something to enjoy. 
> 
> Thank you to rein for reading over this whole long mess and giving me the critique & motivation I needed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is non-linear so the months and years are important. (dates not so much)  
> Note: 00 lines keep their age. (i.e. born in 2000).
> 
> POV only switches between Haechan and Jeno!
> 
> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4FAUgqd4ONPlwdZP7MMOTn?si=CEiOzp1xQpSaRufs2LsBpw) | [moodboard](https://likeariver.carrd.co/#chap1)

**14th September 2015**

Jeno performed his morning routine effortlessly – washing up, wearing his uniform then fixing up a quick breakfast for himself and his brother, Doyoung. His parents had already left for work. 

The only difference today was that Jeno had finally cheered up a little from his slump.A tired but tiny smile hung on his face for the whole day. Yangyang had commented about it so he gushed about the message he received last evening. Jeno could finally talk with Renjun after months of radio silence. 

Jeno powered through his classes and rushed back home immediately after the school bell rang. His waist rammed into the ledge of the table when he was switching on the computer. The processor whirred loudly as it kicked started, the tiny dot blinking yellowish-green. He sat down before keying in his passcode, quickly shooting a message to check if Renjun was online. It took a few minutes too long before the other responded with a, “Give me five.” It sounded a little more curd than usual but Jeno shrugged it off, his mind running too fast to look into the details.

When the call finally connected, the pixels of his monitor showed his childhood friends, Renjun and Donghyuck. Due to tunnel vision, he only recognised the latter seconds after. You can’t blame Jeno, it was his first video call with Renjun after years with only texts to keep them together.

Renjun looked tired, his dark circles jumping out of his skin, prominent against his fair complexion. The rosy tint of his skin had been scrubbed away to reveal hollow cheeks without its previous glow and he seemed cold.

“Hi Jeno,” Donghyuck spoke. Jeno’s eyes widened because he recognised that voice but Renjun hadn't opened his mouth once. Not that Jeno was staring or anything.

Donghyuck continued. “You might be thinking why am I video calling you after rejecting them for so long. You might be wondering why you are hearing Junnie’s voice. Let me first say that I'm so sorry. You can hate me but you have to know that Renjun didn’t have a hand in it.”

A wave of nausea hit him and anxiety slowly creeped up like ivy. Jeno was confused but he stayed silent. His eyes strained from squinting his eyes at Renjun on the monitor. He shifted his gaze to Donghyuck instead. 

Jeno didn’t think it was possible but Donghyuck looked even more exhausted than Renjun, his shoulders drooping as if he didn’t have the strength to sit upright. He was downright miserable, as if speaking pained him physically.

As Donghyuck spoke, Jeno felt the energy draining from his body. His lips were pressed together to prevent himself from crying. His fingernails were littering tiny crescent moons all over his thighs. He hoped that _it_ hadn’t been the truth.

Jeno felt ridiculed and angry at Donghyuck, but most of all, he felt disappointed in himself for trusting him. For always wearing his heart on his sleeve. His whole life, he lived feeling like he couldn’t have gotten through without Renjun – Renjun who was always there for him, Renjun that he loved so dearly. Now staring at Renjun’s tiny, defeated body in the monitor, his heart was breaking but he didn’t know who it was breaking for. 

After hurting and yearning for months on hand, Jeno couldn’t stop the fire that rose within. It was like the blazing fire he saw in _that_ dream. All his cells were screaming. His chest constricted in a way that inhibited his breathing. His brain was in a frenzy, turning up the volume of his processor running and the whirling of his fan swirling. On the contrary, his body felt numb – crushed and pounded into dust, left to fly in the air in a flurry. 

There was a mental snap and the words were tumbling out of his mouth without control.

“You’re joking right? You’re lying. I know you are! It’s not a joke and it’s not funny at all okay, Hyuck. I’m not a joke okay. I don’t want to talk to you. I want to speak to Junnie,” Jeno said.

“He’s not lying, Jeno. I know it freaking hurts but we wouldn’t joke about this okay,” Renjun sighed out.

“Jeno, I-” 

Jeno ended the call before Donghyuck could continue.

**12th May 2007**

Jeno was close to tears. His favourite shirt was torn at the sleeve and his left shoulder throbbed so strongly that he would rather ripped it off.

The sky was doused in different shades of pinks and oranges, the blinding sun slowly disappearing behind the horizon of trees. He would have usually stopped and admired the scene. Jeno didn’t know where he was walking but he hoped that following the sound of running water would lead him to the river near his home. He had to walk fast. 

As dark blue ink spilled across the sky, he willed his beating heart to slow down.

❅

It all started when Donghyuck suggested exploring the hilly area behind his and Renjun’s place. He agreed because there was nothing better to do.

The three of them usually moved together since they had been placed in the same class from kindergarten. Jeno hadn’t really questioned it, he just didn’t want to be the loner with no friends to eat lunch with. 

The only times they weren’t stuck together like glue were on Wednesdays and Fridays. On Wednesdays, Donghyuck had choir and he had basketball. On Fridays, Renjun had art club after classes 

Jeno ditched his school bag and chunky glasses and changed into a polo shirt with navy block stripes – a gift for his birthday. When he regrouped with Donghyuck, he was clad in a black hoodie with shorts and slippers. He was munching on his popsicle instead of licking it and his lips were painted purple with the grape colouring. He passed Jeno a lychee flavoured one before leading the way.

The short incline leading up to the hill was overgrown, the grass reaching up to his knees. As he ambled forward, the leaves ruffled and the soil crunched under his feet. Hidden underneath the green were balls of fluffy pink and when he ran his fingers gently over their leaves, they became shy and close up. 

_Cute_ , Jeno thought.

Exploring unexplored territory was the bonus that came with living in the countryside.

Donghyuck led them to the river behind the hill, rattling off about his deskmate’s annoying habit of clicking his pen. Jeno listened and occasionally replied with sounds of acknowledgement despite being distracted by nature. _It was strange_ , how he has never come here before, despite seeing the hill outside his window every day. This was a step up from their usual hangout spot – the arcade at the neighbouring town that was a half-an-hour bike ride away.

When they reached the river, Jeno let out a mental gasp. The river was by no means postcard worthy, but the way it was sparkling under the afternoon sun was enchanting. As they moved closer, the scales of white shimmers disappeared to reveal a shallow but clear stream of running water. The waters crashed against where there were rocks, bubbling into foam. 

Jeno squatted down next to Donghyuck who submerged his hands into the water. The water felt lukewarm under Jeno’s touch. When Donghyuck removed his hands from the water, his hands were cupped, a makeshift container, and he beckoned Jeno to look. He had to lean very close but he could make up the tiny specks of blue flitting around in his hands. Donghyuck grinned at Jeno before letting it back into the river.

They sat side by side with their feets soaked in the river for the rest of the afternoon. Conversation was thrown back and forth like a ball on the court. Random things like pet peeves and arguments with parents, though the latter was mostly led by Donghyuck. They also liked to talk about Renjun of course, not that they were bad mouthing about him. 

It was fun to see Donghyuck snicker before answering Jeno’s questions about Renjun. Jeno didn’t mind listening to him then, because it seemed like he knew everything about Renjun, from his favourite song to the lecture that Renjun had received from Mrs. Huang. 

After they ran out of conversation topics, Donghyuck suggested playing hide and seek. Jeno was ‘it’ since he lost at rock paper scissor. He _always_ had such rotten luck. 

He closed his eyes with his hands covering them while he counted out.

“10.” _Splashes could be heard._

“8.” _Splashes stopped._

“7.” _Crunching of the soil._

The sound of the footsteps diminished to almost nothing when he counted to zero. Donghyuck was nowhere to be found. From his deduction, Donghyuck must have dashed towards the woods opposite the river, their luscious green leaves offering shadow for cover. Without his glasses, looking for Donghyuck would be quite a feat. 

As Jeno trudged deeper into the woods, he tried to listen out for any indicator for Donghyuck – a snap of a twig, an accidental giggle or even just breathing. Nevertheless, all he could hear were the chirping of the birds and his own footsteps. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a blur of movements and he took off in that direction. In his fixation, he failed to notice the thick tree roots protruding out of the ground and tripped over it, tumbling down a slope. Even with his heart leaping out of his chest, he managed to grab onto a vine and held on tight with his sweaty hands. Reaching his other hand up, he pulled himself up. 

The vine snapped – as if someone pressed play – the fall resumed. Jeno swung his body around, with desperate hope to grab onto something, anything. Thankfully, his sleeve got caught by a tree branch and he landed shoulder first, followed by his head. He couldn’t stop the tiny whimper that came out from his lips. He brought his arm up to hold it, hopefully to ground himself and numb the pain but it was in so much shock that merely lifting it was too much. He sighed and laid there for an intermission.

❅

Jeno had been alone under the pitch black sky for hours. He didn’t dare to navigate the forest at night, especially with his poor night vision.

A lone bright light reflected off the lake surface, prompting Jeno to stand up from the tree bark he was leaning on. Despite the lightheadedness, he still pushed his body to move, fixated on fluorescent light that spotted his vision.

“Jeno?” A scared voice called out. _Renjun_. Jeno knew his voice by heart. After all, it’s his favourite voice in the world. Donghyuck’s singing could move a crowd, but it was Renjun’s voice that gave him flutters.

When Renjun was within his reach, Jeno circled his arms around the tiny waist and pulled him in for a hug. It was warm and comforting, like a mother’s heartbeat that soothes the wailing of a child. Before he knew it, he was bawling onto Renjun’s shoulder and snot was running down his nose. Even when he was crying, he wiped his nose constantly in hopes that his crush wouldn’t see him in such a pathetic light.

Renjun dropped the torchlight and started patting Jeno’s hair. Since he was shorter, the action was unpracticed. His expertise was comforting Chenle, who he could pick up with one hand. He rubbed circles into Jeno’s back with his other hand. They were joined by a third person, enveloping Jeno in a sandwich hug. Donghyuck rocked their bodies slowly as he kissed Jeno’s neck softly – a silent apology – and tears soaked the neckline of his shirt.

It was way past curfew but they laid on the grass patch near the lake to stargaze. Jeno was in the center, his hands interlaced with both Renjun and Donghyuck. Renjun curled up at his side, pointing out the names of different stars. He tried not to wince when Renjun leaned on his shoulder. They were so close that when Renjun spoke, puffs of warm breath hit the side of his face. He tried to look at the sky and not stare, but it was hard when the moon cast a soft sheen on Renjun’s face, making him glow. Even though Jeno couldn’t see the stars without his glasses, he felt like the celestial beings, _if any_ , had granted him more wishes than any shooting star could. 

However, happiness is fleeting. True to those words, Jeno’s bubble of Renjun thoughts was broken when Donghyuck pointed at the moon. There was a sheen of light dangling around his wrist – a silver bracelet too big for him – that pulled Jeno’s attention away from Renjun. 

Renjun let go of Jeno’s hand to slap Donghyuck’s hand away, telling him to apologise to the moon or his fingers would disappear.

**3rd February 2005**

Donghyuck climbed onto the armchair and leaned his face close to the huge windows right above. He breathed on the glass and doodled on it when it fogged up. Despite how Christmas was long over, he still drew a snowman. 

It was cold enough to keep him in but not enough to keep the snowman he built alive in the afternoon sun. He repeated his mindless doodling until his mother forced him to stop with a hot chocolate topped with marshmallow, the perfect concoction to get him to behave. 

Donghyuck was preoccupied with pouting and mumbling unkind words to the rim of his cup as he looked out of the window.

In the house opposite of his, there were two boys having a snowball fight. The shorter boy was wearing a chestnut brown beanie. He seemed to be around the same age as Donghyuck. That piqued his interest. Renjun and him were the only children on this quiet town away from the city, ideal for the retired, but awfully boring for a 5 year old.

Donghyuck hastily threw on his coat, zipping it halfway before running over next door and banging the door loudly.

The door clicked open halfway to reveal Renjun, who greeted him with sparkly eyes. “Hyuckie! It’s freezing! Wanna come in?”

“No! No! Faster get dressed! There’s a new kid!”

“Why should I leave? It’s freezing!”

Rather than arguing with Renjun, he forced through the doorway and fetched Renjun’s coat himself. He even helped Renjun tie his shoelaces before dragging him over to their new neighbour’s front yard.

Donghyuck didn’t even get to introduce himself. Instead, he got attacked with a face-full of snow. He heard Renjun crack up beside him, clapping his hands in joy.

“Shit, are you okay? I’m so sorry!”

Donghyuck bent down and swiped his face and made sobbing noises to mislead his perpetrator. Then, he reached his hand out to the side opposite of him, then grabbed a fistful of snow and hurled it right back at his target. 

“An eye for an eye,” Donghyuck said as he stood up, dusting snow off his coat. “Hello! I’m Lee Donghyuck,” he said.

“J-Jeno Lee,” the other coughed out when trying to get snow off his face.

“And I’m Huang Renjun! Sorry for my dumbass of a friend,” Renjun said as he helped Jeno pat off the snow flakes on his coat.

They somehow did a three-way high five and the rest was history. 

**13th November 2010**

It was also winter when Jeno had to leave Korea.

Jeno stood by the roadside with the luggages while Doyoung performed final checks for any missing items. It was only the two of them because their parents were heading there straight from their office. He was only informed about their move that morning. During times like these, it really seemed to Jeno that his parents didn’t care much about him at all. 

The truth is: Jeno was more scared than upset. It has always been hard for him to make friends because of his shyness. He found it hard to stand his ground, unlike Renjun and Donghyuck.

The ice was broken when they first met, ironically, when he threw a snowball at Donghyuck’s face by accident. He was grateful for his friends, but he needed to be strong.

A bright bubbly voice distracted him from his moping.

“Yo Jen! Going for a trip?” 

Jeno looked up from the floor to see Donghyuck’s cheeky grin. It made the pain in his chest bloom ironically. That was the final blow to his tear tank – it burst. Huge drops of tears trickled down his face. He bit his lips, trying to stop them to no avail.

Donghyuck looked perplexed but he pulled Jeno closer, resting his face onto his chest. Jeno didn’t have the bandwidth to think, his heart was full with gratitude – one last time to feel the warmth of _his_ summer.

“Doyoung-hyung,” Donghyuck greeted his brother when he exited the house.

Doyoung explained the whole situation on behalf of Jeno. Donghyuck listened calmly, nodding, but he clenched onto his shirt tighter. 

“Jeno, you’re really going to move to a big city huh. I wish I could go too. With you.” Donghyuck poked his waist, teasing him but his smile was strained and cheeks stiff. His words were barely a whisper.

“What happened to friends forever?”

Donghyuck’s wide eyes shined. Jeno had a hunch that if he touched him now, tears would spill right over. He would be comforted by the touch, but he didn’t deserve to cry. _Not when he still had Renjun by his side_. There was an ugly bitterness – that he would later know as jealousy – that rose, the taste of bile in his mouth.

 _There is no forever_ , Jeno wanted to say but instead he said, “I’ll write back.” 

“Okay,” Donghyuck sniffled. He squatted down and fiddled around his ankle before holding a string of silver at the hook – the bracelet that he always wore. He struggled to fasten it around Jeno’s wrist with his shaky hand but succeeded after a few tries. It was drooping down the slope of Jeno’s hand, caught onto the carpal bone on his wrist that protruded slightly.

“Promise you will never forget us?”

“Yeah, I’ll never forget you and Renjun,” Jeno’s pinkie curled around Donghyuck. It was an empty promise, like he was.

From the back window of the cab, Donghyuck’s figure on the pavement became smaller and smaller until the driver rounded the curb and the blob disappeared from sight. Jeno kept the bracelet in his bag when Doyoung reminded him of the security checks.

**30th Mar 2011**

_Hello Junnie and Hyuckie,_

__

_I hope you both have been well. Sorry it took so long for me to write back - it’s been a hectic move and before I knew it, winter break was already over._  
_I moved to this place called Düsseldorf in Germany. Winter here isn’t as cold as it is in Korea. There are so many tall buildings here! Similar to the ones that we saw when Doyoung-hyung brought us out to the city. There’s so much art around here - on buildings, graffiti on walls. Junnie you would love this place! I guess you would have already seen how it looks like on the postcard?_  
_I started going to school in January and it feels weird without you two :( I managed to make a friend in school despite being bad at English and German. Name's YangYang and he’s Taiwanese. Can you believe he knows 4 languages?! English, German, Chinese and a little bit of Korean. I can’t communicate freely with YangYang like we do, but he’s teaching me German while picking up on Korean so I guess it’s cool._  
_I’m running out of space but please write back with your numbers so I can text you TT_

__

_Miss you, Jeno_

__

“We don’t have a phone,” Renjun deadpanned.

__

Donghyuck hummed in agreement. “Yeap, but mom was thinking of getting me one when we start middle school.”

__

☀

__

They took a trip to the city that weekend and got matching flip phones. To top the cherry on the cake, Renjun found acrylic bear and cat keychains as accessories for their phones. He seemed pleased with his purchase, humming as they continued to walk around the shops aimlessly. 

__

Ideas always came to him, even when he wasn’t actively trying to think. He called them sparks of geniuses but his mother would say he was up to no good. More often than not, Renjun ended up as his partner-in-crime.

__

“What if we swap our numbers when writing back to Jeno. See if he can guess who's who,” Donghyuck asked, batting his eyelashes.

__

Renjun paused at his track, looking into Donghyuck’s eyes. He was trying to figure out his intentions. In response, Donghyuck straigtened his back and stared right back. 

__

Renjun raised his eyebrow, pausing for a second before he says, “Well, if you're that bored. There’s a post office down the street so we might as well write back today.” 

__

“There’s a chance he might forget us anyway,” Renjun murmured. 

__

**12th April 2011**

__

**[Jen-Jen ( .◜◡◝ )]:**  
Hello Junnie! I got the letter from you and Hyuckie so I’m texting you to say hi! Let's talk when u r free? What have you been up to? I'm trying to improve on German but it’s hard! ㅠㅠ

__

**[⋆ටᆼට⋆ Junnie]** (Donghyuck):  
Just doing art stuff y’know! How’s German food?!? Don’t tell me you only eat Korean food :0 

__

__

**23rd September 2011**

__

Donghyuck’s favourite pastime entailed disturbing Jeno over text. He asked about Jeno’s day, eager to absorb any detail that the other was willing to share with him – it was awfully boring in their town. 

__

Most of the time, Jeno talked about his classmates. There was YangYang, who Jeno had clicked with right from the bat. Sometimes he talked about his basketball teammates, but their names were beyond Donghyuck – he didn't care enought to remember.

__

Apparently, Jeno was popular in Germany – love letters in his locker, hanging out with friends every weekend.

__

In Jeno’s texts, the city was always bustling with foreigners and locals alike. The people were colourful, dressed in clothes he had never seen before. Jeno and his friends liked to bike through the narrow alley of the old town. Despite having access to cool trains and tall skyscrapers, Jeno’s favourite place to hang out was by the Rhine river. He waxed poems about how pretty the river was, unintentionally bringing laughter into Donghyuck’s dull days. 

__

_Some things never change._

__

But other things do change – Jeno was way more talkative now. He used to be the type that rarely ran his mouth but when he did, he spoke with an air of intelligence and introspection. Donghyuck always considered Jeno as a good listener – his presence so comforting and so accepting. 

__

Nowadays, it was as if Jeno had taken over the wheel and Donghyuck’s sitting shotgun, free to take in the beautiful scenery around him for once. His pace had fallen to match the rhythm of Jeno’s pace. And it’s pretty damn nice.

__

__

**22nd March 2012**

__

Donghyuck unlatched his window and climbed out as quietly as he could, a thin square poorly wrapped with paper. It was truly a blessing that he lived on the first floor. To express his gratitude, he sent a flying kiss to the night sky. 

__

After knocking with a series of complex patterns on his neighbour’s window, he waited for precisely 5 seconds before the curtains were drawn. 

__

“Juliet, may you please hold on to this for me,” Donghyuck asked as he passed the gift to Renjun.

__

“Romeo you suck,” Renjun chuckled. He held the gift and his shade blinds for Donghyuck to climb in. The silver radio on Renjun’s desk was playing a slow song, the whispers of chinese words unrecognisable to Donghyuck due to the low volume. 

__

After setting his jacket aside, Donghyuck climbed into Renjun’s bed. Renjun joined him, settling himself in between Donghyuck’s thighs. Donghyuck wrapped his arms around Renjun and hooked his chin over Renjun’s shoulder.

__

“Right on time, right? Happy birthday Junnie! Go on, open it,” Donghyuck urged.

__

Renjun tore the wrapping apart which made Donghyuck scorn at his prior struggle in wrapping the gift. It revealed Coldplay’s first ever album - Parachutes. It was special because it was released the year they were born. Additionally, it had Renjun’s favourite song, ‘Yellow’, which was also coincidentally his favourite colour as well. It was the colour of his soul, his favourite palette to work with and the colour of his bedside lamp. The warm light of the lamp casted a shadow on his face, his expression unreadable but his right eye had stars when he leaned in and kissed Donghyuck’s cheek. Then he slipped off the bed to place the disc into the radio and they fell asleep even before ‘Yellow’ was played.

__

❀

__

The next morning, they were woken up by Renjun’s father. He was holding a package with details in German. _From Jeno_. 

__

Renjun’s eyes were wide and sparkling with stars when he jumped out of bed to receive it.

__

The package contained a 12-colour watercolour set from a German brand that neither have heard about. Donghyuck found it stupid how happy Renjun was when he already owned a 48-colour set himself. He might be sulking, but he would never admit that he felt like he lost to Jeno. 

__

Thinking back, kisses from Renjun were rare. Maybe victory was his after all.

__

Renjun skipped breakfast to experiment with his new paints. Donghyuck exploited Renjun's extreme focus to sneak his phone out. His palms were sweaty and his thumping loudly but he maintained a cool composure. 

__

Donghyuck heard sniffles from the room opposite of Renjun. Donghyuck slipped into the room, pocketing Renjun’s phone into his pocket.

__

“What’s wrong, Chenle?”

__

“Hyuckie-hyung!”

__

Chenle lit up from whatever depressive state he was in and jumped out of his chair and burying his face into Donghyuck’s belly, his tiny hands holding onto two of Donghyuck’s fingers. His fingers were stained with crayons.

__

After the distraction wore off, Chenle deflated, his lips jutted out below his red nose.

__

“Lele, why are you upset?” Donghyuck asked again.

__

“I fought with Jisung,” Chenle said, his lips quivering.

__

“I was making him an apology card but- but I can’t make it nice.”

__

“I’m so bad at this. Renjun-hyung would be able to do it so well.”

__

Donghyuck gets it – the innate comparison that came with his competitiveness. Even with his ego he could feel insecure on his bad days. Not for long though, just until Renjun coaxed him with his fierce gaze that said, _You trust me right?_

__

“Oh Chenle.. You don’t have to be like Renjun.” Donghyuck continued. “You’re amazing! You are good at playing the piano and very good at singing, maybe even better than me,”

__

There were vibrations on Donghyuck’s tummy from Chenle’s giggling. He looked ridiculous with tears streaming down his face while sporting a cute laugh. Honestly, that was probably the best praise that Chenle could receive. Chenle always cheered the loudest when Donghyuck belted out to Mariah Carey during the Huang-Lee combined Christmas celebrations.

__

Donghyuck couldn’t resist the temptation to pinch Chenle’s marshmallow cheeks. 

__

“And.. Don’t you think an apology should come from the heart? Rather than hiding behind letters, the best way is to just tell Jisung face to face.”

__

Realisation washed over Chenle’s face. A second later, Chenle was running out of his room – still dressed in his teddy bear pajamas – all while shouting his thanks at Donghyuck.

__

Donghyuck sat at Chenle’s chair before he took out Renjun’s phone, with both of his legs extended on Chenle’s table.

__

As expected, Renjun already texted a thank you message to Jeno.

__

**[ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ Hyuck]:**  
In case you are confused, Junnie texted from my phone cause he couldn’t find his phone!

__

**[Jeno]:**  
Ah! No problem :] Does he like the present?

__

**[ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ Hyuck]:**  
He’s already busy working on a new piece! I’ll ask him to send you pics later ;)

__

After covering his tracks, he deleted all three messages, leaving Renjun to conclude that Jeno was nice but too busy to text.

__

❅

__

**[⋆ටᆼට⋆ Junnie]** (Donghyuck):  
I really appreciate the gift! You don’t have to get me a gift next time TT I really don’t like people spending on me!  
btw enjoy my first masterpiece with the paints!  
[attached]

__

Attached was a painting of a sunflower field during dusk. Jeno was sure that Renjun mixed pixie dust into his paints because it was magical and evoking – a full body experience. Jeno felt as though he was pulled into the painting. The flare that was carefully added on the top layers made Jeno feel as if he was staring directly at the setting sun, looking down at a lone boy dancing alone in the fields. His skin looked tan next to the yellow flowers, a milk chocolate brown. The boy’s face was obstructed by the humongous sun hat he was wearing but Jeno could feel the music in the way he danced and he was mesmerised in the way he moved. 

__

__

**6th June 2012**

__

On Donghyuck’s birthday, there was no mail. 

__

He had some hope that maybe Jeno hadn't forgotten about the last of the three musketeers. That he would keep his promise that he would always remember the three of them. 

__

Even when Renjun volunteered to be the big spoon, he still couldn’t stop sulking and Renjun rarely offered. Renjun was left with a huge pouty mess in his arms as he worked on his sketch, oblivious to Donghyuck’s moping. 

__

In Donghyuck’s book of ‘Worst Things That Can Happen’, being forgotten was listed above death. He is Donghyuck Lee and nobody who he crossed paths with can forget him that easily, especially not his childhood friend.

__

In the end, curiosity overpowered his pride as he texted Jeno. 

__

He doesn't know if he wants to know Jeno’s answer or not. 

__

**[⋆ටᆼට⋆ Junnie]** (Donghyuck):  
Hey Jen! Do you know it’s Donghyuck’s birthday today?

__

**[Jen-Jen ( .◜◡◝ )]:**  
Oh really? I don’t really talk to him anymore:(  
I should wish him a happy birthday even if it’s awkward right?

__

**[⋆ටᆼට⋆ Junnie]** (Donghyuck):  
It’s okay! He hasn’t mentioned anything about you.  
I think he’s too excited about the Despicable Me 2 movie LOL.  
It’s starting soon so I can't talk!! ttys

__

Now he knew.

__

__

21st June 2012 

__

Donghyuck should have known better than to crawl right back into Jeno, like a sheep following a shepherd obediently, unknowing of his fate. 

__

The saying ‘Love makes you blind’ summarised this pretty well. Whenever Donghyuck heard this, he would scoff because he’s confident in his rationality. He is not one to be swayed easily by sweet words. Maybe calling it love was overkill but Jeno is precious to Donghyuck. Yet, the reverse doesn’t seem true. 

__

As unreasonable as he might sound, he was still upset with the other – the hurt that Jeno caused was deep but invisible from the outside. The logical side of him knew that Jeno still didn’t know that he was talking to Donghyuck instead of Renjun all these time.

__

Despite everything, Donghyuck kept his phone close and replied to Jeno's texts within minutes.

__

__

**25th December 2012**

__

Jeno’s eyes were still closed as he fiddled around, reluctant to move but trying to find his blanket. The back of his hands brushed against something furry. His cat, Bonghik, was purring softly, deep in sleep despite the cold. After grabbing his glasses at the desk, he covered her with his blanket that was warm from the floor heating. Upon drawing his curtains, he realised that he didn’t shut his windows fully last night. 

__

There was a blanket of snow over what was green during the summer. Tiny flakes of miniscule ice crystals were falling into his palms when he stretched his hands out. Truly a white Christmas.

__

It was still early but Jeno decided to kick start his morning with a warm mug of coffee and dug through his Christmas stocking. It was the classic red and white felt stocking, the kind you bought at the dollar store. It was filled with chocolates, candy and various packs of pokemon cards – Yangyang and his latest obsession. The paw print stocking caught his attention filled with an assortment of snacks for Bongshik.

__

Grabbing his phone, he clicked through Renjun's messages. There were quite a few messages he had to get through since Christmas was almost halfway over in Korea.

__

Renjun looked good, well, as pretty as one could get in an ugly sweater. It was bright red with a hideous snowman design and the tips of his bangs slightly touched his eyes. 

__

The photo was another candid taken by Donghyuck, like most of the photos he sent, showing off Renjun’s side profile – his sharp jaw complementing the softness of his cheeks. Jeno really ought to thank Donghyuck someday.

__

Scrolling up, there was another photo, where Donghyuck kissed Renjun’s cheeks with exaggerated duck lips. He wore matching sweaters with Renjun, but in green instead. The photo was slightly shaky but the spark in Renjun’s eyes was evident, the corners of his lips turning up. He could _almost_ hear the sound of two bodies colliding and Renjun’s screams of joy. “Donghyuck snuck a mistletoe at my place just so he could kiss me,” the other explained. 

__

_What if Jeno could actually hear Renjun’s voice?_

__

_They could Skype_. 

__

Renjun had just gotten a computer for Christmas. It could work.Jeno messaged Renjun his idea after some hesitation and the other replied with a positive and he was reduced to a bundle of excitement. 

__

Bongshik was awake, her eyes following Jeno as he paced the room. She meowed, begging for attention so Jeno scooped her up with one arm and settled into his chair. Scratching her head with one hand, he used the other to squeeze the liquid sachet feed as she licked, her adorable face the definition of bliss. It helped to calm Jeno down.

__

The Skype ringtone rang caused him to jump a little in his seat. He closed his eyes, breathing before accepting the call, unaware that Bongshik strutted out of the room. Both of them exchanged awkward greetings until Renjun asked him to stop being a stranger. Renjun wasn’t a stranger, _just his childhood crush that he has been pining for 6 years counting,_ his brain helpfully supplies.

__

“Your voice sounds kinda different?”

__

“Say you?! Your voice is so deep now that I would have believed that a German man kidnapped you if you’re not speaking korean now,” Renjun shot.

__

“Fact check, that’s what puberty does to you,” Jeno replied coolly. 

__

“After my voice broke, it is all weird now,” Renjun mumbled softly, as if he was suddenly conscious of his voice.

__

Jeno scratched his cheek. “That was not what I meant to insinuate.. Sorry if it came across that way. By the way, your voice is still very pretty. Different, but in a good way.”

__

At least that much was true. Renjun’s voice is like a bud that has just bloomed. Whereas the young Renjun running up hills in his mind had a voice like the crisp morning, birds chirping softly, Renjun’s current voice is more fluid, like ebbs and flows of the oceans. He sounded more mature. 

__

“T-Thanks Jen. By the way, what are your plans for Christmas?”

__

Jeno wasn’t sure if the stutter was due to an internet issue or was it because the other was embarrassed. He tried to imagine Renjun’s face with a soft orange tinting his cheeks and found himself feeling pleased, a warm fuzz settling onto his chest. He wanted to tease Renjun more, but he steered the conversation away instead. They talked until his parents woke up for a gift exchange under their fir tree littered with ornaments.

__

❅

__

Later that evening, Jeno left with a hazelnut leather jacket over beige button-ups, paired with black pants. He also picked out a beret to keep warm as he walked over to take a train down to Königsallee. During the trip, he was persuading Renjun to sleep but the other was adamant to keep him company. Despite his insistence, Renjun fell asleep two stops before his destination. _Adorable_.

__

A sea of endless people streamed out of the stations but they flushed right on the ascend to the gantry. Conversations buzzed and the excitement could be tasted in the air – a warm toasty sensation which diminished once he reached the top. 

__

There was a thin white layer that had accumulated over the grey pavement. Quite a pity that it had stopped snowing that morning. 

__

Yangyang threw his arms around Jeno for a shoulder hug, a huge grin on his face. “You’re in an awfully good mood huh,” Yangyang mused. “Texted lover boy again?”

__

Jeno couldn’t help but grin despite his brain instructing him to school his expression. He mentally pouts as his facial muscle betrayed him, smiling like muscle memory whenever it involved Renjun. Jeno levelled his voice in hopes to preserve his dignity. “Actually we talked over Skype today,” Jeno informed nonchalantly. Or he hoped he was.

__

Yangyang whistled and laughed. “You’ve got some game huh?”

__

At this point, it was an annual tradition for Jeno to visit the Christmas market with Yangyang – his favourite thing about Germany. 

__

The first Christmas he moved to Germany, Yangyang was running one of the booths. He sneaked Jeno a baked potato – wrapped in aluminium foil – behind his parent’s back. It was a coincidence that they wound up as classmates and became best friends.

__

Jeno stepped away from Yangyang for a better view of the market. From his viewfinder, there were many tents with white covers from the snowfall, each of them surrounded by bright bulbs. Yangyang was in the middle ground, distracted by the snack stands. To the right, in the background behind the shops, a bright carousel shined brightly – the colourful plastic horses galloping around in circles. 

__

Before Yangyang realised, Jeno rejoined him and made him take photos for him. He doesn’t tell Yangyang that they were for Renjun but he gave him a knowing smile nevertheless.

__

__

**10th May 2013**

__

The photos reached Donghyuck alright, but he didn’t always have control over the timing. He only had one glimpse after the vibrations in his back pocket distracted him from his choir practice. He dashed, then clicked the washroom door shut. He could hear his practice partner – a girl with twin tails that sang soprano – screaming for him to come back, but he needed a moment.

__

His thumb flipped open his phone, the motion practiced to reveal Jeno’s photo.

__

When he properly observed the photo and looked at all the details, Donghyuck felt lightheaded, like experiencing vertigo.

__

There was a squeal begging to be released inside, so he let it reign.

__

Donghyuck didn’t mean to, but falling for Jeno was easy.

__

Donghyuck had been reduced to a fool, giggling whenever Jeno texted him. Not that Jeno was very funny, but he just couldn’t stop smiling. Jeno’s straightforward way of thinking and his lack of humour was his charm afterall.

__

Puberty had done Jeno justice. He had lost his baby face, his previous soft and handsome face now sharp and angular.

__

Donghyuck runned his pointer finger over his phone screen as if caressing Jeno’s fluffy black hair gently. He pushed away Renjun’s judging face in his head before he did the unthinkable - he kissed his phone screen, then burst into giggles at the absurdity of it.

__

As an afterthought, he mentally noted to open up Google Translate the first thing after choir practice. He had an appreciation message to craft. Maybe he would even ask Renjun to teach him Mandarin.

__

__

**24th June 2013**

__

The heat of the summer not only enveloped his body but thrummed under Donghyuck skin. Even under the covers of the night, the warm humid air formed droplets of perspiration on his warm brown skin as soon as he exited the shower. He decided to ditch the top. As he loosely dried his hair with his towel, he eyed Renjun laying on his bed, his face right in front of his standing fan. His eyes are closed and his expression peaceful regardless of the wind messing up his hair.

__

“Move over, stop hogging the fan Junnie,” Donghyuck said as he threw his body onto Renjun. “Ooaah! Waaaaa,” Donghyuck spoke into the fan to express his pleasure, his voice airy and exaggerated. 

__

Renjun let out a grunt and elbowed his side, clearly displeased. Donghyuck ignored Renjun’s protests in favour of enjoying the wind. 

__

Renjun reached his hand around Donghyuck and squished his belly. “Hey, you became so squishy now,” Renjun commented offhandedly. 

__

“Hey! I’m normal! It’s not fair that you never get fat no matter what you eat! Are you a fairy?!” Renjun cheeks redden at the comment before holding Donghyuck in his legendary chokehold – a technique specially reserved for him until he begged for forgiveness.

__

“You’re so mean even though you were the one that came over,” Donghyuck faked his sniffles, rubbing his non-existent tears.

__

“Stop whining, let’s sleep.”

__

Another thing the dark night brought other than the temporary reprieve from the sun, had been thoughts of a certain boy with eyes that crinkled to form a pair of crescent moons. It had been rather nice thinking about Jeno in solitude but Renjun’s presence made him conscious. 

__

They rarely kept secrets from each other. However, Donghyuck’s ever-increasing fondness for the boy miles away increased, filling up the glass heart inside him and he so desperately wished to share some of it before it spills over. Waving around his arm beside him, he searched for Renjun’s hand.

__

“What? Can’t sleep?”

__

“Injunnie, have you ever been in love?”

__

Renjun stilled beside him, pausing for a millisecond before he interlaced their fingers together.

__

“Yeah, I have. You?”

__

Donghyuck hummed in agreement, nodding his head even though Renjun can’t see.

__

"Wait? Who? Is it the art club girls?"

__

"I'm not telling you," Renjun said, blowing raspberries at the nape of his neck.

__

"Fine, I'm not telling you too, dummy," Donghyuck pouted. 

__

Apparently, Donghyuck's mouth had a mind of his own and he can't seem to shut up for his own good.

__

“Actually Junnie, I think I’m gay,” Donghyuck blurted out. 

__

“Okay,” Renjun deadpanned.

__

“You’re so mean! I was being serious!”

__

Renjun chuckled and Donghyuck would bet on his money that he was smirking right now. Renjun untangled his fingers from Donghyuck and patted his hair, his voice high-pitched and squeaky as he apologised with mock concern. He cooed when Donghyuck started whining. 

__

However, right before sleep pulled away his consciousness, he heard Renjun admitting that he was the same and that he was scared. Donghyuck couldn’t find the right words to say but he wrapped his arms around and kissed Renjun’s neck softly. 

__

_It might not be okay, but I'm with you_ , was Donghyuck last thought before darkness took over.

__

__

**10th October 2013**

__

Donghyuck’s biggest strength is that he had an abundance of energy in addition to his wit. The two ingredients made him a force to be reckoned with and he was proud of that. That being said, having that much energy was a double edged sword. When he tried to sleep, countless thoughts with no correlation racing in his head, clashing like bumper cars. 

__

The only times that sleep came easier was when Renjun slept over. Renjun’s calming heartbeat creates a domino effect, pulling at Donghyuck’s heart to slow down to a humdrum tempo, pressing gently at his frown for him to relax. Sue him for being touch starved, but Renjun’s cuddles were the best.

__

Nowadays, he hasn't been inviting Renjun over but he still sleeps like a baby. 

__

_The reason why?_ Jeno had been reading German books to lull him into sleep. Initially, Jeno suggested for him to read his textbook to bore himself to sleep. It was honestly a brainless reaction – Donghyuck had to whine until Jeno agreed to read to him. 

__

It was easy. Jeno was nonchalant, substantiating that it would be good practice for his German but Donghyuck knew that Jeno was whipped for Renjun.

__

☀

__

“You ready?”

__

Donghyuck nodded out of habit but Jeno couldn’t see him. _Donghyuck wouldn’t let him, taping his webcam to prevent any freak accidents._

__

“Yeap, all cozy with my PJs.”

__

Jeno cleared his voice before starting. Despite not understanding the language, Donghyuck could tell that Jeno was at least fluent when it came to the children’s level for books. His sentences were smooth with his pitch at a lower notch. His German voice was deep and rich like creamy dark chocolate. Listening to Jeno’s voice was as satisfying as a warm cup of milk and melting onto his mattress after some stretching.

__

It was five pages in when Donghyuck really started to relax. His head was a little fuzzy and his heart was warm. However, he wanted to talk to Jeno more, so he waited for him to pause before he asked, “What’s the story about?”

__

“The story is about a bear named Boris. He was bored so he annoyed his mom to play with him. His mother was preoccupied with baking with his sister so she asked if he wanted to help. He screamed that he hated his sister and baking cookies even more, then hid in his room. But their laughing voices in the kitchen annoyed him so he left for the tree house,” Jeno translated.

__

“Wow, he sounds like he’s got an attitude.” Donghyuck’s voice came out muffled because of the blanket covering his cheeks.

__

Donghyuck paused before saying, “Kinda sounds like me.” 

__

“No way, if it’s anyone, it should be Donghyuck. It’s a bear afterall.”

__

Donghyuck wanted to argue but he remembered that he wasn’t Donghyuck as long as he was with Jeno. It was so ironic, tragic even, because Jeno made it so easy for Donghyuck to be himself. 

__

Jeno continued reading softly, his voice a lullaby, until Donghyuck fell asleep with a slow stir in his chest. 

__

It was not painful yet unpleasant. 

__

__

**1st July 2013**

__

It had become a common occurrence for Jeno to find Chinese texts on his phone. Previously, Yangyang still had some decency to delete the texts he shared on Jeno’s phone and pretend that he did none of that. Now, he leaves the message there, albeit in Mandarin. 

__

He scrolled up mindlessly in hopes to see some familiar characters only to find a paparazzi shot of him. He felt his cheek burn from embarrassment. It wasn’t a bad photo. Not at all. 

__

Yangyang took it during Jeno basketball practice when he was trying to air out his shirt. Sure, he was slightly embarrassed because his abs were shown but what really made him blush was the response to the photo. There was Renjun swearing, followed by a drooling emoji attached with “A fucking delight. I would eat him up” - the message deliberately left in Korean for Jeno to see. He sighed and covered his burning face even though there was no one around. _No one to ridicule him._

__

Well, he spoke too soon. A meow could be heard before Bongshik jumped onto the bed. She nuzzled her small, furry face against Jeno’s, her yellow eyes dilated and looking at him with a hint of pity. Jeno placed Bongshik on his face – allergies be damned – and sighed into her belly.

__

__

**2nd September 2013**

__

Jeno’s bed was taken over by Yangyang as he chatted loudly on Jeno’s chair after barging into his room unannounced. 

__

It was a common occurrence but it was the first time Yangyang intruded on his weekly calls with Renjun. In addition, they were speaking in Mandarin. Renjun’s intonations were slightly different from Yangyang, his sentences choppy unlike Yangyang who spoke like he was spitting fire.

__

Jeno continued making confused, high-pitched noises until either of his friends decided to pay any attention to him. He tugged on Yangyang’s flannel and looked at him with his best puppy eyes. Yangyang scratched the back of his head, apologetic, before switching back to Korean. For the record, Jeno doesn’t blame him because Yangyang rarely got to converse in his mother tongue.

__

Later, Jeno decided that hearing Yangyang expose his stupid habits to his crush in a language he understood was worse.

__

❅

__

When Renjun turned in for the night, Jeno asked Yangyang if he wanted Renjun’s number instead of hogging his phone. 

__

Yangyang bent over with laughter, wheezing. “Do you know what face you are making now,” 

__

“What face?! It’s just my face,” Jeno defended, which only served to prove Yangyang’s point.

__

Yangyang frowned, his brows furrowing and his face scrunched up for a second to imitate Jeno before he cracked up again, slapping his thighs.

__

“Yeah, but don’t you think it’s weird that y’all don’t video call? Y’all are basically dating at this point,” Yangyang asked, his goofy expression suddenly serious.

__

Jeno’s face was fuming with embarrassment and his flustered hands immediately made a cross, “We’re not dating! And Renjun says he’s shy.” To which, Yangyang responded with, “Trust me, he’s definitely not the shy type.”

__

“How would you know? Anyways I’m happy with just hearing his voice.”

__

“Call it 6th sense,” Yangyang was smug, his eyes curved like two crescent moons when he smiled but it wasn’t friendly at all. Goosebumps ran all over Jeno’s skin.

__

__

**17th December 2014**

__

Donghyuck’s back was hunched up on his seat. He was on Wikipedia. Granted, it was not a good site for research but he had cross referenced to other sources and they are all drawing the same conclusions. All Donghyuck could do was facepalm himself when he came to terms with how much deep shit he was in.

__

_Donghyuck is a catfish isn’t he?_

__

__

It all started with _pure_ intentions and maybe some boredom. Okay, maybe his moral compass was also slightly skewed – right and wrong mattered little to him. It was usually more of a question of whether he could do it or not. Initially, it was weird being called by Renjun’s name but he got used to it. 

__

The website advised victims of catfishing to block the other person. However, they did not mention anything about the next course of action for the perpetrator. Reddit threads only told him to screw himself.

__

Logically speaking, Donghyuck should confess that (surprise, surprise) he was the one that had been talking to Jeno. 

__

_Would Jeno even believe him?_ They have been voice calling more frequently but Jeno hasn't called him out. Jeno was nice enough to respect his boundaries when he said he wasn’t confident enough to do video calls.

__

At that moment, it struck Donghyuck exactly how selfish he can be. Even now, he was looking for Jeno’s trust. Still looking for a solution so that he can tell Jeno the truth and yet keep their current connection. Donghyuck always had a way to win every battle he fought but the casualties would be irreversible this time. This is the first time that he was truly afraid of making an enemy out of someone.

__

Jeno is a nice person – an angel. He might find enough compassion to forgive Donghyuck. However, he isn’t blind and Jeno isn’t subtle. 

__

Jeno had an obsession with Renjun. It shows in the way he stayed up just to wish Donghyuck good morning; the way he rushed home after school to read to Donghyuck whenever he didn’t have basketball; the way he used Renjun’s photos as his wallpaper. He even asked for permission. _Damnit, why is Jeno so cute._ At this point, Donghyuck was certain that Jeno only kept contact with him because he liked Renjun from the start.

__

Relationships meant a huge deal to Jeno and he truly treasured them. Donghyuck knew that much from how badly Jeno cried from a bad report card. He cried because he felt like he was a disappointment to his parents, never because of his own expectations. 

__

_Was it really that bad for Donghyuck to keep Jeno to himself?_ Jeno will never return to Korea again. There were no repercussions. He could handle the weight of his lies if it meant keeping Jeno close.

__

Donghyuck would break Jeno with the truth and he doesn’t want to. He liked it when Jeno confided in him but he never ever wanted to be the reason for the other’s tears. When he imagines Jeno breaking down alone in his room, he loses any strength and rationale he had built to come clean. 

__

This internal turmoil continues lingering on Donghyuck’s mind as he continues to talk to Jeno as if nothing is wrong. 

__

_As if he was Renjun all along_.

__

__

**23 April 2015**

__

**[Junnie♡]** (Donghyuck):  
My favourite jen ♡ happy 16th birthday! Your fairy godmother will bless one of your wishes today!

__

**[Jen ( .◜◡◝ )♡]:**  
AA thank you ! hmm.. hmm.. My wish is for us to call today :’)

__

**[Junnie♡]** (Donghyuck):  
Boring! I give you a free pass but you just want a call?  
Since I’m nice anyways, I shall grant your wish hohoho. Usual time?

__

__

In retrospect, Donghyuck should have seen this coming. They have been flickering around the fine line between friendly and flirting for a while. Considering how long Jeno has been pining for Renjun, things almost seemed to be perfect for Jeno – his childhood crush has finally shown him some romantic interest after years of pining. Of course he’ll take his bets. Donghyuck sure would if he wasn’t tangled in such a mess.

__

When Jeno confessed over the phone, serious and sincere, all Donghyuck could think of was how screwed he was. No matter how selfish he is, he can’t do this to Jeno. As much as he wanted to monopolise Jeno, he did not love him. Jeno only had feelings for a cross of Renjun’s face and Donghyuck’s personality, something floating outside their plane of existence.

__

_It’s now or never._

__

With this confession, he held a ticket to heaven or to hell. If he confessed now, he would hurt Jeno but he deserved that much truth. He would lose Jeno from his life forever but he would never have to see him again. It would be as if they never happened. 

__

Another option which will produce the same outcome would be to push Jeno away by rejecting him. If he was cruel enough, he would tell Jeno that he imagined everything – their flirting was all but real love. _That he was just pitying Jeno for liking him so pathetically._

__

Instead Donghyuck told Jeno he needed a break and that he would contact Jeno when he was ready. 

__

_Ultimately, Donghyuck was a coward when it boiled down to love._

__

Running away from his problems was easy, when his problem was a boy that lived in a different timezone from him, in a totally different world. 

__

A week later, Donghyuck blocked Jeno’s number. He shut down thoughts of crinkly eye smiles and the antidote to his moody mornings. 

__

_Both of them never kept their promises._

__

__

**24th May 2015**

__

Jeno coughed, lungs filling up with dust particles that floated and twirled in the air. He pushed it down in favour of blinding tapping on the walls for the switch. 

__

The single lightbulb in the attic flickered on slowly, bright streaks of yellow coated white lights illuminated the room with a saturated glow. He scored through boxes of various sizes until he located the indescriptive black square box slightly bigger than his hands. His palms were sweaty when they made quick work of the cover.

__

The bracelet that he knew was silver glinted in a way that looked gold. He was stunned, briefly forgetting what he was searching for. Under the bracelet laid a cyan blue Nokia phone half the size of his palm. He pocketed the bracelet quickly before powering the phone, hoping that the device would work. 

__

It was remained dead, the screen refusing to light up. Despaired, he smashed it against the hardwood floor before quickly picking up, hoping that it hadn’t woke his parents up. 

__

The phone was still in one-piece, practically scratchless. The display and the keys lit up. The screen showed a photo of a handshake and a blue font that read, “ _Connecting people._ ” He lets out a dry laugh. 

__

Navigating the menu was harder than he remembered, his large fingers clicking in the keys inaccurately. Jeno had to squint at the tiny display, clicking with his pinkie finger.

__

After tiptoeing back to his room downstairs, Jeno had been stuck in a spiral of re-reading all his messages with Renjun, then overthinking.

__

_What had gone wrong?_

__

_Was he so deluded that he read the signals wrongly?_

__

_Did Renjun hate him now?_

__

The shift in the climate of their conversation was obvious. Initially, Renjun showed genuine interest in Jeno’s life in Germany. Renjun was snarky but playful – the life of the party. There were always butterflies when he was talking to him but in the past year, they have been out of control, inviting their fellow friends over and infesting Jeno’s heart and mind. 

__

At times, his brain only produced a singular thought – Renjun, _his Renjun_. His Renjun who could tease Jeno until he was blushing; his Renjun whose voice was warm and runny like honey; his Renjun who was there to comfort him when he cried.

__

There weren’t many contacts in Jeno’s old phone. Right above Yangyang, there was Renjun, then there was his parents. Right above Doyoung, there was Donghyuck’s contact that he didn’t even save in his new phone. 

__

The last few messages were all the way back in 2012 during Renjun’s birthday. Thinking back, Renjun had to even remind him about Donghyuck’s birthday. After that, Jeno was too embarrassed to text him back. 

__

In the dead of the night, nothing but Bongshik snoring softly beside him, he was free to imagine. Imagine how Renjun was coping without Jeno. _Did he sleep well? Was he up all night thinking about the ‘If’s like Jeno?_

__

The curiosity grew until he contemplated texting Donghyuck just to ask about Renjun. That would be too rude though, asking about Renjun out of the blue when he didn’t care about Donghyuck. He reckoned Donghyuck would have already heard of what had happened. _What would Donghyuck do about this situation?_ Afterall, he knew Renjun the best. 

__

It might be stupid to pray on a metal chain, but when hooked the bracelet around his left wrist, he prayed for Donghyuck’s knowledge and strength. He prayed that Renjun would come back to him.

__

Exhaustion took over at some point in the night. 

__

__

_There was a small fire flame, set ablaze when dark shadows closed in, surrounding Renjun in a circle of fire but never hurting him. The flames whipped at anything that came close, including Jeno who was burning, a hot searing pain lighting up all the nerves in his body before blackness consumed him._

__

_When he came around, he was in a space with nothing but light. Only when he brought his hand to adjust this collar did he realised he was wearing a uniform. When he looked up, he was in a classroom with big windows. There was no scenery, only the glare of the glass._

__

_There was a tan boy sitting beside him, his face unrecognisable to Jeno. There was an aura that radiated around him_ – _a thin translucent line flickering around him. It was unlike Jeno, but he reached out to grab his hand. Somehow he knew that they would be warm even before he touched them. The tan boy smacked his hand away and then he was looking into a pair of brown eyes. There was no warmth in them._

__

_It was Donghyuck, glaring at him as he spitted out his words, “Can’t you fuck off and give Renjun some space?”_

__

Jeno did as he was told. He always did.

__

__

**21st July 2015**

__

On the surface, nothing changed.

__

Things have gradually lost their colours and people have lost their music. The days were dull after Donghyuck removed Jeno from his life. He still attends classes but he doesn’t get into verbal fights with people as often. Even when Renjun sent concerned glances towards him, he couldn’t be bothered to pretend that he cared.

__

He loses himself in preparing for High School entrance examinations and drags Renjun to the library to clock revision hours. The only way to keep himself from totally losing himself was to make function and logic as his core to power him, emotions tossed aside. 

__

When Renjun confronts him about his strange behaviour, he lied that he was feeling pressured about their examinations because he had been goofing around too much. Renjun smacked his shoulder but laughed at how studious he was for once. Since Renjun was a nerd, he was kind enough to lend his notes and tutor Donghyuck. 

__

Funny how 10 year old Renjun would have been able to tell that he was lying in a heartbeat. 

__

__

3rd September 2015

__

_The room was pitch black but Jeno knew he was in his room. He sure hoped so but he couldn’t be certain._

__

_His body was resting on a plush, comfortable mattress much like his own. Despite the darkness, he could make out a blob of shape which was glimmering faintly, like glow-in-the-dark stars that had lost its brilliance. Suddenly, there was a loud snap and the faint glow became a vibrant, blinding white._

__

_There was a pale, slender body on top of him that was similar to Renjun’s. His back was arched as he rode Jeno slowly, flaunting his tiny waist. Jeno placed his hand on his back, running them across the milky expanse of his skin before settling them on the curve of his waist. His grip tightened, leaving finger bruises shaped brushes, urging the male to go faster. It was so intense that it left his throat dry, his face scrunched up and eyes screwed tight. Only after he calmed down did he have the mind to check on the other._

__

It was dark again when Jeno opened his eyes, his head fuzzy. The weight on his chest signaled to him that this was reality, Bongshik’s biological engine whirling quietly. 

__

He trudged out of the room to the kitchen to get some water and wash his face at the sink. Somehow his cat allergies have been getting worse, causing him coughing fits and dry throat. 

__

It was still 3am, still early enough for him to get some more sleep but he lingered in the kitchen, letting his dream seep into him slowly like the teabag in his mug. The tea was dark enough to show Jeno his reflection. He looked like a mess. If dreams were a manifestation of desire, he felt disgusted at himself.

__

Recently, Jeno couldn’t even be bothered to put up his mask and try to pretend that everything was okay, because it was not. He tried to ignore the concerned looks that Doyoung had been throwing at him before he slammed his door shut. It caused a strain on him and Yangyang’s friendship, the other’s attempt to cheer him up failing miserably. Having the mischievous Yangyang look at him with so much pity made him hate himself even more, effectively shutting the other out.

__

At the age of 16, Jeno has officially experienced heartbreak. He has never realised that it was this painful to have someone you love disappear without a word. He tried to wait patiently for Renjun to come around to just talk to him or something. 

__

It was a problem how unloveable he felt without Renjun.

__

Despite how hard Jeno vowed to be independent when he left Korea, he ended up being too accustomed to Renjun’s support again. How can he expect Renjun to love him back if he was so pathetic. 

__

Something has to change. Jeno has to first learn how to stand on both of his feet himself.

__

__

_13th September 2015_

__

The pressure was rising amongst senior year students with examinations looming over them. At this rate, they were like lighted candles – threatening to burn out at any moment. 

__

Donghyuck wasn’t sure when was the last time he had slept more than 4 hours. The notes he was reading no longer made any sense to him. His muscles were perpetually skewed to press his forehead down into a frown and he held his hand to stop it from spinning so much. 

__

_Just 10 minutes_ , Donghyuck told himself before throwing his heavy body onto his bed. Just when he was about to drift off, there were loud and urgent knocks on his window. They were familiar, a pattern he knew by heart. Displeased, he covered the pillow over his face just for a little more rest but the blare of his alarm shook him awake. When he sat up, he saw Renjun standing outside his window. 

__

It was the first time Donghyuck had seen Renjun like this in all their years of friendship. 

__

This Renjun was fiery – his eyes narrowed and glare intense. His face was flushed and red, his eyebrows slanted down and inwards. Renjun typically gave people the cold treatment when he was angry, biting them with his venomous words with an indifferent gaze. 

__

Renjun didn’t greet Donghyuck before climbing in. He opened his mouth, ready to speak but he closed his mouth and shoved something into Donghyuck’s chest instead. 

__

It was a letter for him but addressed to Renjun.

__

_Hello Renjun,_

__

_I have tried to give you time and maybe you need more, so I’m sorry if this letter troubles you. Since you have blocked me, I can only hope you’ve decided to read this letter before tearing it._

__

_All I have learnt from all this time apart was that I’m miserable without our texts and weekly calls. I would rather have you as a friend than not have you at all. I’m sorry to have burdened you with my feelings. I thought you felt the same but it was rude of me to presume. I was narrow minded with the emotions I felt for you and it clouded my judgement._

__

_What I’m saying is that I will stop liking you so please just give me a sign and we would be like we always were. Just friends._

__

_Missing you,_

_Jeno_

__

Throughout reading the letter, Donghyuck could feel his head becoming tighter as his headache worsened. His hands were sweating despite the cool weather. Renjun refused to look at Donghyuck but his presence made the anxiety crawl up as he read on. 

__

When Donghyuck finished, his hand fell to his side, limp. He crumpled the letter in his fist.

__

“Do you have anything you want to say, _Donghyuck_?” 

__

Donghyuck wasn’t used to being the receiving end of his cold tone; Renjun calling him by his given name.

__

“It's a really long story, you might want to sit down,” Donghyuck said as he patted the mattress beside him. 

__

“I’ll just sit on your chair.”

__

There was nothing he could lose. _Other than his crush and his best friend._

__

This was probably the worst case scenario. 

__

Truth be told, Donghyuck had forgotten to factor in Renjun’s response and feelings. He assumed that Renjun knew that he was talking to Jeno. They had always understood each other so effortlessly.

__

Donghyuck always thought it was a Jeno-and-Donghyuck problem but by using Renjun as a mask, he dragged Renjun into the dirt with him. Renjun’s unfaltering presence in his life, whatever mess he got into or who he offended, was a given at this point. Despite everything, Renjun shouldn’t have been taken for granted. 

__

Donghyuck apologised before he started and hoped that he sounded as sorry as he felt, guilt chipping at his heart.

__

By the time Donghyuck concluded, the sun had already set and Renjun had joined him in the bed. Renjun said it was more comfortable but Donghyuck knew best that he didn’t have a single mean bone in him, no matter how agitated he could be. 

__

Renjun stayed for dinner to his mother’s delight. The both of them were uncharacteristically quiet during dinner. They would usually fight for side dishes and squabble loudly until Donghyuck’s mother calmed them down.

__

After dinner, they offered to do the dishes when Donghyuck’s parents left for a grocery run. Donghyuck was in-charge of soaping and Renjun of rinsing.

__

Only when the lock clicked shut did Renjun speak.

__

“What about Jeno now?”

__

“At first I was planning to just ignore this at least until we settle our exams ……. But I probably should do it soon right?” Donghyuck asked, his voice small.

__

“Yeah. You should have told him when you realised something was wrong. You should have stopped before you both fell too deep.” Renjun raised his eyebrow at Donghyuck. “Don’t give me that ‘I didn’t know it would escalate this badly’ bullshit.” 

__

Renjun returned the clean dishes to the drying rack. “Somehow, it feels like it was my fault too. When I agreed to swap numbers and proceeded to forget about him.”

__

Immediately, Donghyuck’s soapy hand shot up to hold Renjun’s wrist, ready to protest that it wasn’t Renjun’s fault. It really wasn’t because he deliberately kept it from him, covering up his tracks carefully. Renjun's eyes didn’t meet his, but held Donghyuck’s arm and gave it a squeeze, deliberately signaling to Donghyuck not to speak.

__

“I knew you were texting someone but I think I was too scared to find out who it was. We still spent a lot of time together so I had no qualms. Sometimes you would randomly smile even though I didn’t say anything funny. It was okay to me, you know? As long as if you were happy, I would be okay if I wasn’t your number 1. Though, it really sucks that we aren’t that close anymore.”

__

“You would always be my best friend, you know that right?”

__

Renjun nodded gently but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

__

“All of a sudden, you were so miserable but I didn’t know why. I assumed that you broke up with whoever you were talking with. You started spending more time with me, which should be good, right. But it’s like you aren’t there anymore. I’ve never seen you so broken, Hyuck. But I was scared to talk to you and ask you what had happened. Then the letter came and I finally kind of figured out what had been going on, but it was too late. I was angry and yet sad for both you and Jeno, because this is so stupid. We’re so stupid. Friends shouldn’t be scared of asking their friends what they are struggling with. That’s not us, Hyuck, we are better than that.”

__

Renjun took a shaky inhale.

__

“God, Hyuck, I just wished you would talk to me,” Renjun choked out, his voice cracking at the end. The tears that he had been holding back for months started tumbling down uncontrollably. When he tried to continue, his mouth was open but his voice wouldn’t come out. With every passing second, it was getting harder for him to breathe and his body was shaking, jerking ever so often.

__

All Donghyuck could do was to hold Renjun tightly in his arms as the other’s usual calm demeanor broke down completely, his shards flying everywhere - piercing every part of Donghyuck, immobilizing him. His cheeks were wet but he couldn’t move his limbs to wipe them away. _He wouldn’t._

__

☀

__

Even though Donghyuck was exhausted from crying, from working himself to the bones the past few months, sleep wouldn’t come. He laid in his bed alone and started thinking again. He thought about the words to say. There will be tears shed and he will never be ready but he had to do it. Donghyuck unblocked Jeno and requested for a video call. 

__

Tomorrow – that’s when Donghyuck will stop running away.

__

__

**14th September 2015**

********

********

__

Contrary to popular belief, Jeno didn’t cry. Despite tearing up at the smallest things such as Fault in Our Stars and Bongshik’s crying at the vet, it wouldn’t come.

__

Desolation pulled him away from his room, away from his computer and brought him to a place of comfort. It took 20 minutes for him to get to the pier by foot but he walked. It was autopilot – a path memorised by heart. 

__

If he had any thread of rationality, he would have picked somewhere else – a random cafe, the park – so that no bad memories would be associated with his favourite place. 

__

Jeno sat at the pier and watched as the sun set, the orange sun hiding behind the horizon. There was a pang in his chest. _Deja vu_. There was an unfathomable twinge that pulled his gaze away, directing them to his lap.

__

Sometimes, you don’t feel pain until you really stare at your cut – the marred uneven skin and burst vessel dripping crimson. _It’s all in the mind_ , Jeno’s father once said when he was crying. Yet, the silver band on his wrist _really_ burned – as if handled right after being tempered, the metal still glowing orange-red. He wrestled it off but all it only rubbed his skin red. He tried to breathe properly, at least enough so that his hands won’t shake. The veins in his arm bulged out angrily.

__

After he managed to unhooked it, he stood up abruptly and his arm flung through the air – the motion of a dunk – but right before his finger unclenched an image flashed past. _A turtle crying because of a plastic straw in his nose_. He hand jerked and the bracelet thumped on the cement, barely missing the edge of the pier. He picked it up despite the pain it caused him. _Maybe he could pawn it off._

__

❅

__

Yangyang appeared when it was already dark, his bleached hair messed up from biking, sticking up in different directions.

__

“Figured you’d be here since you didn’t reply,” Yangyang said as he sat down. Only then did he realise that he forgot his phone and how he was still wearing his uniform without a windbreaker. The pain stirring in his chest was so intense that dumbed down any other emotion he felt.

__

There was a sheepish smile on Yangyang’s face as he asked, “I reckoned it didn’t go well?”

__

Jeno clutched at the front of Yangyang’s shirt which startled the other before he let out a dry sob, his voice raspy from the cold wind. “He told me it was all a lie. It was my other friend all along. He fooled me good, huh.” He clenched his fist to push out the words. “I should have listened to you, Yang.”

__

Jeno knew what the other would say. _I told you so_. He had heard it too many times – linear thinking and stubborn optimism. 

__

Yangyang only shuffled closer and brought Jeno’s head to lay on his shoulder. “You mean Do- Donghyuck? That’s terrible, Jen. Why did he do that?”

__

“Tell me I deserved it.” 

__

“No. You don’t deserve even if you are dumb sometimes. Your heart is good. He was the one who took advantage of that.” 

__

“Why did he do that Jeno.”

__

Jeno’s eyes were already closed. “Don’t know. Didn’t stay to find out.”

__

“Do you think you want to know?”

__

Jeno grinded his teeth, he knew he was emotional but he responded with a curd, “No”.

__

Yangyang was silent after that. He combed through his bangs gently and patted his back in a repetitive rhythm. It felt oddly familiar. Jeno leaned into the touch, desperate to savour it. His presence was a safe haven. Soothing.

__

“Hey, you are burning up.”

__

Maybe it was a good thing that Jeno blacked out. He felt Yangyang drag him onto his bike but it was all Yangyang. He was long gone. In the void, there was no more pain.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	2. it hasn’t been easy, darling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno’s head jerked up, catching Donghyuck’s gaze for one second. Then, he was turning away, ready to walk out. Out of Donghyuck’s life forever.
> 
> Donghyuck’s subconscious urged him to grab onto Jeno’s hand – so he did.
> 
> The words were tumbling out of his mouth – the words that he wanted to say to Jeno and practiced so many times in his head.
> 
> “Can’t you stay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is written chronologically but I included dates for 2016-2019 since there time skips.
> 
> This chapter has a different [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/39OcQyCMcJTXNt7EnXmkRk?si=IRTyPYNqRKmv-n3HFzWFDQ) and [moodboard](https://likeariver.carrd.co/#chap2) :D

**25th May 2016**

The apartment had a clear line of territory, with one side extremely neat and the other with clothes lying on the floor, papers scattered all over the desk.

Renjun and Donghyuck moved into a tiny apartment in Seoul after securing scholarships. It didn’t cover housing costs but both of their parents pitched in, agreeing that it would be good for them to gain independence. Donghyuck’s parents were so happy during the results day and they took his wishes well. He knew that his mom wished he'd stayed and finish high school, but she held back. Donghyuck found her napkin wet with tears when he did the laundry.

It felt like a mere fluke – escapism; distraction. He never imagined losing someone he loved could be so melancholic and haunting, even when that person was gone. Studying until it wrung his brain dry made sure that guilt couldn’t eat him alive. 

Donghyuck wanted a fresh start, so when Renjun asked, he followed. Donghyuck did not ask but he had an inkling why. 

There was no merit in living in a dead town – judgemental old people with all the time in the world. Though, it was not like Seoul had open arms for people like them.

After classes, Donghyuck worked at the convenience store near their apartment as soon as classes ended. He had to clock out by ten but it paid well. The grandfather that ran the store was kind and brought him containers of side dishes, saying that his daughter-in-law made extra. Donghyuck knew that it was a deliberate effort, but he didn’t comment. He merely thanked him and stashed it in his fridge. He ate it with instant rice every night. Sometimes he splurged on meat on his payday. 

Work was also a good distraction since Renjun was rarely home before dinner. When he came home, there would either be a smear of charcoal on the back of his art or flecks of paint that ended up on his shirt. 

The move felt like an escapism to some extent but Donghyuck had decided that Seoul was good for them when the stars in Renjun’s eyes started to sparkle again. 

**26th January 2017**

Donghyuck tried not to wince when Xuxi brought out a box of chicken breast salad and smacked it on his desk, causing a piece of spinach to fall out. He didn’t think he was unhealthy per say but Xuxi was such a gym junkie and it was hard not to compare. He was only half a head taller than Donghyuck but he was so buff that Donghyuck looked tiny next to him, with the full glory of his noodly arms.

Instead of diving into his salad, Xuxi shot Donghyuck a cheeky grin before he reached his chopstick towards Donghyuck’s container. Donghyuck’s lunch that day was a hearty Chinese lunch prepared by Renjun. It included his favorite crab stick fried rice with minced meat cabbage and stir fry pork.

It was reflexes from years of fighting over side dishes with Renjun that allowed Donghyuck to intercept with much ease before they proceeded to engage in a heated chopstick fight. Sadly, Xuxi emerged as the winner when he popped a piece of pork into his mouth while he did a happy jiggle.

“Why do you bring salads if you are just going to steal my food all the goddamn time”.

“Renjun’s food is good. You know I love Chinese food.”

“Yeah then make your own dumbass.”

“I’ll just burn down the whole kitchen,” Lucas bellowed out with laughter.

☀

Before Donghyuck met Xuxi, he wouldn’t have believed that exes could stay friends. He had no clue how but with his whole being chiseled and shaped like the Greek Gods, Donghyuck had an inkling that Xuxi might be God’s favourite. It was impossible to hate a 6-foot-tall puppy with huge doe eyes and a goofy personality. Correction: Xuxi is goofy, but also sensitive and genuine. Xuxi didn’t have any enemies even if he spoke without filters, unlike Donghyuck, who was a walking time bomb.

Calling them boyfriends would be a long shot. It was the result of the fuck-it attitude that came with moving to the city alone. More often than not, they seeked each other out physically, their touch burning each other up as they craved for more. They made out in the janitor’s closet, in between hidden alleys. He even brought Xuxi over a few times until Renjun found out and yelled at him to get a room. He immediately retorted with, “We are in a room!”. Renjun did not appreciate his joke – he made sure Donghyuck knew by whacking him with his pillow.

They continued this for a month before Xuxi broke it off. He was only sincere when he asked Donghyuck in an uncharacteristically soft voice if he felt it. What Xuxi felt, he wasn’t sure. As Donghyuck laid on his naked, firm body, he thought of how Xuxi never filled that gap in his heart. He snuggled closer, leeching off the other’s body heat even though he was plenty warm himself.

After that, they returned to being friends. They made jokes like usual, both of their loud voices echoing in the hallways during lunch. Xuxi clung onto Donghyuck the same way since orientation, when Donghyuck introduced himself in Madarin. Then, Xuxi’s eyes were enlarged before he was jumping with excitement. He always leaned down to match Donghyuck’s eye level and tilted his head to the side when he needed a translation. 

Since Donghyuck had work after school, his classmates did not go beyond friendly acquaintances. He ignored the unwanted attention of delusional fangirls for Xuxi – his only close friend in school. 

There really wasn't any tension. Perhaps they weren’t very emotionally invested. 

Maybe Donghyuck had matured over the years. Without the protection of his parents, he was reminded to bite back snarky remarks, swallowing back the venom-laced bite. 

**10th June 2017**

It was supposed to be summer but in the United Kingdom, the sky was crying or too shy to reveal it’s pretty blue – hidden behind boundless clouds. The weather was gloomy, dampening Jeno’s mood especially during the summer. Despite the intense heat, he enjoyed the tan he got when he was free to explore by foot, clad in nothing but muscle tees and khaki shorts.

Jeno missed YangYang dearly and Bongshik even more. Hell, he even missed Doyoung’s nagging.

The only reason why he wasn’t immediately booking an air ticket back to Germany was because he had to complete his A Levels first. The decision was final without his decision. It was easier to just go along with his parent’s plan so he stayed.

The rainy weather kept him in most of the time so he resigned to doing his homework as he sipped on a cup of English tea. 

_One more year_ , Jeno thought. Next summer, Jeno would be flying back home after his last paper – not any later.

**18th December 2017**

Over the winter break, Donghyuck quitted his job to make more time for revision. Senior year was slowly creeping up on him. During the day, he studied under Renjun’s gawking but night time was reserved for gaming.

Donghyuck’s username was ‘FULLSUN’ on every game he played so far, other than Grand Theft Auto which ruined his streak. He switched to using ‘HAECHAN’ before dropping the game completely. 

Due to his horrendous sleep schedule, Donghyuck had been mostly teaming up with foreigners whenever he played in groups. His teacher would be so proud of his upgraded English over the break despite not doing any rote learning. Depending on the region they were from, their accents were different and sometimes difficult to decipher because they either slur over their words or exaggerated certain sounds. The current accent he was trying to perfect was a French accent.

The doorbell rang when Donghyuck was halfway through a single-player round. Since they lived in a studio type apartment, sounds at their doorsteps don’t go unnoticed. Renjun and Donghyuck were used to staying silent whenever they heard aggressively enthusiastic knocks at their doors.

“Coming,” Donghyuck shouted from where he was sitting on his bed. Donghyuck watched sadly as his avatar got murdered. He twisted the doorknob, the safety latch still on, to see the freakishly bright smile of Na Jaemin – Renjun’s boyfriend. His eyes were huge but his smile even wider, stretching out to reveal an orderly row of pearly white teeth that puts all the dental commercials to shame.

Jaemin greeted Donghyuck cheerfully as he left a tote bag full of groceries at their kitchen counter, the green leaves of the spring onions peeking out.

“Nana! You made me lose my game,” Donghyuck whined and kicked Jaemin’s calf with his toe when he joined Donghyuck on his bed.

There was a sound that rumbled off Jaemin’s chest – a genuine full-blown laughter. 

“I’ll game with you so stop sulking,” Jaemin said as he pinched Donghyuck’s left cheek.

☀

When Donghyuck was younger, he used to think that being popular was the best. Even being infamous was better than being a shadow. Well, sometimes he didn’t have to try. 

In elementary school, Donghyuck always got into fights with people who tried to pick on Renjun. Renjun with his cold words would have sent people running, their tails in between their legs, but he was too easily riled up. Before he knew it, his fist was driven into someone’s face. Chaos ensues. In a small town like theirs, rumours spread fast and impressions stick. Not that the scar below his eyebrow helped with his image. In the end, Donghyuck was never able to clear his name. 

Nowadays, Donghyuck was content with their tight knitted friend group. One that had been only Renjun and him. Then, there was the 6-foot tall Xuxi who crashed into their lives like how frequently he ran into things, as if he wasn’t used to his body being so big. Later, Jaemin joined their _trio_. 

The trio that used to be _Renjun, Jeno and Donghyuck_ was long gone. It was stale food that was left out in the cold, only to be thrown out later. 

Despite dating Renjun, Jaemin never gave off the vibe that he was only there for Renjun. At times, Jaemin was intense, his eyes too knowing – dark orbs with tiny flecks, a piece of the wise universe packaged in a human. When Jaemin talked to anyone, he leaned forward slightly and he listened with his undivided attention – must be why his fans go crazy over him. (Donghyuck will gut himself if he had to hear another fangirl coo at Jaemin.) 

If Xuxi was like a puppy they adopted, Jaemin was a mom that picked Donghyuck up and all his broken pieces and gave them the healing they needed. 

After that fall, Renjun and Donghyuck rarely brought up Jeno within themselves and never with other friends. Yet, Jaemin with his seventh sense was able to feel Donghyuck’s hollowness – a part of him that had died when he crushed Jeno’s hopes. 

When the four of them first hung out together, Jaemin carefully laid out his observation of Donghyuck and Xuxi, when most of their classmates couldn’t tell. They had a good laugh when Renjun started complaining about his eyes needing bleach.

☀

Later, Renjun returned with Xuxi in tow. Somehow they managed to fit in whatever little space there was in between Renjun’s and Donghyuck’s bed. They sat in a circle around the portable hot pot stove powered by gas cartridges, their legs cramped up uncomfortably. As they ate, they caught up with plans they had that winter.

Donghyuck was uncharacteristically quiet as he slurped on his noodles as he tried to ignore the tears stinging his eyes. He must be a masochist for enjoying that much pain, but the burn from spicy food always reminded him that he was alive. Without having to resort to violence. Or exercise.

Everything was going well.

Until Jaemin recounted one of the dramas on set when he was modelling. Xuxi slapped Donghyuck’s back in laughter and he choked on noodles, the chilli oil attacking his throat. He spluttered and cough violently until Jaemin shoved a cup of water down his throat.

“Hyuckie, you’re so weak towards spice,” Renjun exclaimed, still laughing.

“And yet you still choose the mala soup base,” Donghyuck retorted.

After dinner, Xuxi left to pack for his trip back to Hongkong but Jaemin hung around. They went for another round of games, with Renjun head perched on Jaemin’s shoulder, occasionally screaming at the both of them to run. The both of them fared pretty well, always amongst the top 10 survivors.

On the last round, before Jaemin had to catch the last train back, Donghyuck was so close to being top 3 but a sniper got them both. 

Donghyuck was curious, sometimes far too curious for his own good. His gut stirred with premonition as he stared at the screen. He could hear Jaemin and Renjun kissing softly at their doorstep, the quiet whispers for two people in love, when he figured out who got him.

Player number 1 had a kill count of five users and his username was a simple 'Zen' in English. Donghyuck knew meant peace but he felt none of that at this revelation.

**20th December 2017**

If there was a god, Donghyuck was sure he was the least favourite. If not, Satan just loved screwing him over.

Miraculously after that night, he started seeing user Zen in most of his plays. 

Donghyuck could tell from his play that Zen was good, probably one of the veteran players that picked up the game immediately after it’s release. He tried to imagine Jeno with his huge round glasses, fast fingers on the keyboard as he went for the kill. His voice when he cursed at his computer and his fingers running through his dark brown hair in frustration on the rare occasion that he lost. Him licking his lips in delight when he went for the kill. His face that must have matured over their prime years that they have spent apart.

Donghyuck’s theory that Zen and Jeno were the same person was a baseless one but his get feeling was strong for this one. 

If that was true, he should stay away. Stop picking on scabs that he thought was healed, to only reveal red, irritated skin. 

He did the exact opposite. 

Donghyuck sought Zen out on social media to no avail. His username was too generic to generate results. He was about to give up on running circles but he got a lead – a gleam of light at the end of the tunnel and he sprinted towards it. 

One of his twitter mutuals replied to his tweet, saying that he had played with Zen once when the game was initially released. Zen rarely played with other players and for some reason, they hadn't been playing enough to retain his ranking. Despite that, their skills were acknowledged even by pro-gamers. Additionally, from his mutual’s knowledge, Zen didn’t have any social media accounts.

Donghyuck almost cried when his friend forwarded Zen’s Discord user to him. He shot the other a message in English, asking if he would like to team up. 

**[Zen]:**  
oh! hello! I’ve seen your user a few times :3

 **[FULLSUN]:**  
you mean when you butchered me HAHAHA

 **[FULLSUN]:**  
soo.. do you mind teaming up? it’s okay if you don’t want to though.. 

**[Zen]:** hmm sure, but let’s see if you can match up!

☀

Donghyuck’s body slid down the chair, twirling the wire of his headphones after the gaming night came to an end.

There was static buzzing in his ear and some ruffling sounds from the other, then a bang. 

The other hadn't ended the call yet. 

Jeno probably expected Donghyuck to cut the call but he didn’t know how badly he had missed him. How he still dreamt of him at night – restless nights where he chased after Jeno’s voice echoing in his dream.

As a matter of fact, when the line connected for the first time, Donghyuck knew for sure that all the frantic Google-ing was all worth it. 

If he hadn’t spent 3 years listening to Jeno speaking in both German and English, he wouldn’t have been able to pick out the telltale signs. Despite how fluent Jeno was in English, his ‘th’ sounded more like ‘s’ sometimes. 

Jeno’s voice was low and husky when he spoke but when he laughed it was fruity – fresh and mouth-watering, leaving Donghyuck a drooling mess.

Donghyuck doubted that his French accent was that good but Jeno never questioned his nationality. He knew he was playing with fire, but he hadn’t quite caught on. Not when he burnt with the ferocious, unwavering flames that light up the whole solar system. 

“Sorry Sun, I thought I ended the call,” Jeno said.

“Nah, it's okay Zen. Are you eating supper right now?”

“Dinner actually. _Ramyun_. It’s so good!”

“Are you Korean?”

“Yeah actually, but haven’t gone back for so long already. There’s nothing for me back there but I do miss the food though.”

Donghyuck pretended that didn’t hurt.

“I reckon so, I had to drive to the Asian mart just to get some spicy noodles,” Donghyuck replied. Lied.

He heard Jeno humming in agreement – a gurgle that sounded like a mouthful of noodles.

“Hey, can you tell me more about Korea?”

**12th February 2019**

Donghyuck’s single-room on campus was rectangular, slightly smaller than his shared apartment with Renjun. It was dimly lit, the only source of light from the monitor and the rainbow LED keyboard – gaming gear upgraded after moving. He had cleaned his desk in the morning, lining up his brown leather notebook and the rest of his school materials in an IKEA trolley that Renjun had gotten him. Despite his efforts to keep his room neat, the desk was littered with empty red bull cans and takeaway boxes that were hastily shoved to the edge of the table, one accident away from tipping over. 

Donghyuck cursed when he misses his target, immediately ducking behind the shed for cover. Consecutive gunshots blared from his speaker. Footsteps continued to louden. One softer shot could be heard before the firing ceased completely. 

Donghyuck navigated his avatar to peek from his hiding place, grenade in hand, still wary until he saw his target unmoving on the ground. His black clothes and green blood were a huge contrast from the icy white snow. 

“Thanks Zen.”

“No problem, Sun. There’s still another target 3km, north-east, near the cluster of buildings. It’s out of my range.”

Donghyuck chuckled – always up for a challenge. 

“Leave it to me.”

Needless to say, they emerged as winners that night. 

☀

“Hey, Sun? Are you still there,” Jeno asked. His voice was deep and rumbly. It helped Donghyuck unwind from the adrenaline rush after the game. Perhaps this was his favourite part – just the two of them catching up with vague descriptions of their lives.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck affirmed. The bar at the bottom of his computer told him that it was now 2:30am. He contemplated on opening another Red Bull, but he settled for some water instead. He had a late start to the day so he could probably go for another round.

“Do you think we can shift game nights earlier? As in I get it if you have stuff on weekdays but maybe on the weekends?” Zen asked

“Why?” It was a mere reflex – the curiosity; the need to get to the end of things. 

“I’m back in Korea! Can you believe it?”

“No way! Since when?” Donghyuck screamed before muffling the sound onto his sleeves. _Why is Jeno back to Korea? Did his father move back for work again?_ There were a million possibilities and none of them would be because of him. Maybe for Renjun, but Donghyuck did not know if Jeno still liked him.

“A few days ago,” Jeno replied.

“How’s Korea so far? Is it how you remember it?” 

Donghyuck knew it wasn’t. He wasn’t even sure if Jeno was in Seoul, but the small town of theirs was also a victim of urbanisation. The forest area behind the Huang and Lee Estate was cleared to make room for more houses – to support the aging population, the officials had said.

“I can’t see the stars anymore,” Jeno said, his voice small. He sounded defeated in a way you get with age – you learn to just accept things as they are. Donghyuck supposed it would be a strange answer if he hadn’t experienced the stargazing first-hand, the memory of three small figures lying on the grass etched in his mind. 

Donghyuck wanted to say that he missed the stars and the boys he had seen them with even more. He bit back his words. “You can’t see stars almost everywhere nowadays, Zen,” Donghyuck said.

“Yet, they are always there,” Jeno said. It prompted Donghyuck to push apart his curtains. 

The cloudless night sky was so dark at the top edge of his window frame. It was almost black, not a speck of sparkle to be seen. It was lighter at the bottom of the gradient, the city light brightening up the sky. It was a sight that was hallowing to enjoy alone but Donghyuck knew somewhere, in one of the squares of light, Jeno was looking at the same sky. It was enough to press down the unanswered questions for the night.

❅

**Present (Around March 2019)**

Jeno was trying his best to dash across the hallway but the paths were blocked, flooded with students. It was toasty in the stuff hallways, the temperature significantly higher than open air. 

There were seniors holding signs hastily put together, gawking at freshman. Behind, the makeshift booths were bulletin boards full of posters and streamers, content ranging from academics, clubs to career seminars. 

There was a holler somewhere in the background, a group of jocks dressed in soccer tees and their faces painted in oranges and blues.

Jeno saw a familiar head of hair – the senior he was trying to escape from. There were only so many days of drinking sessions he could handle without getting liver failure. It was a mistake revealing how much he could drink the first night.

The crowd impeded his movements but it also offered cover – Jeno ducked behind an A3 board. 

There was a tap on his back and he gulped before turning around slowly.

“Hey kid, wanna join basketball,” the person asked. He had dark brown hair at a bob length, parted in the center. Jeno would have never guessed that he played basketball. He looked like a Chess Club member, but Jeno wasn’t sure if their University had one.

After surveying the crowd, Jeno realised the coast wasn’t clear yet. He turned back to the guy – his eyes kind, but with an apparent desperation glazed over them.

“Yeah, sure. Do I have to fill a form or something?”

“Yes!,” he screamed as he fistpumped. His arm fell back down as quickly as it was up, before he continued with this infectious enthusiasm, “No. I mean, you can scan this QR code to join the chat! They’ll text about tryouts there!”

Jeno did as instructed, ready to exit the science building before he bumped into someone. His instinct reacted before his brain caught on – both of his hands steadying others.

“Jeno?”

When Jeno looked down, his eyes widened in surprise, much like the blonde. His thin pink lips opening to show his teeth. His face was one that he hasn't seen in a while but knew at the back of his hands

“Renjun?” 

❅

Jeno sat at the nook of the cafe they were in, as Renjun ordered. He looked around the shop to not overthink about the coincidence.

_About how he nursed his broken heart only to be faced with part of the cause._

The cafe was drenched in the nutty aroma of coffee. It was accompanied by a K-indie track playing. There weren’t many visitors despite it being near campus, at the far north of the college, near the Arts buildings that already had their orientation earlier that week. 

Renjun was at the counter, making small talk with the cashier, who replied animatedly, his long limbs flailing around. He gestured to Renjun to go back to his seat despite how the cafe had a self-collection policy.

They made small talk. Jeno turned to the easiest stories to share – travelling. Half a year of backpacking with Yangyang meant that it took up most of the conversation, leaving no room for unwanted discussions. Conversely, Renjun shared about how he got to Seoul pursuing an arts track.

The cashier held a tray with 3 drinks – a matcha latte, camomile tea and iced americano – and a cheesecake. Jeno half expected the cashier to plop down and join them but he only said, “Cake’s on the house” and winked at Jeno. (Renjun smacked the guy’s ass in response and the other pointed to their “Please respect our staff” sign before returning to his station.)

Jeno reached out for the iced Americano before Renjun stopped him. “Sorry, I got the latte for you, if you don’t mind?” Jeno never knew that Renjun drank coffee black. The Renjun he knew – Donghyuck – couldn’t take coffee without milk. He always complained that it was too bitter, choosing Frappes over real coffee.

Well, he was half right. Renjun picked up the cup of tea instead. It would be an awkward silence if not for the music and the loud whirring of the machines,

Renjun’s lashes were fanned out as he drank. He looked healthier, way better than the sunken cheeks haunting him in his dreams. Only when Renjun looked up from his cup, did Jeno realise that he was staring, caught red-handed. His heart levels spiked.

“It’s awkward, right,” Renjun chuckled, his right cheek scrunching up. 

That was an understatement of how badly Jeno was trying to get out of this situation mentally. Until they addressed the elephant in the room, it wouldn’t be any better. 

Jeno nodded vigorously before saying, “It is. But I don’t hate you or anything.” He looked down at his cup, which is still full. “At least not anymore.”

That put a small smile on Renjun’s face.“You’re very mature, always were even though you were quite a crybaby huh?”

Jeno scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. “I don’t really cry anymore. I don’t really know why, but it stopped after that call in 2014? 2015?”

“Oh” was all Renjun said before he deflated considerably, looking away. His hands were fiddling with the handle of the cup, closing his hands around it but never bringing it up. 

“We weren’t trying to play with your feelings. I just wanted to let you know at least that much. Initially, Donghyuck just wanted to see if you’d be able to tell us apart from texting, y’know. Then, that dumbass went on and caught feelings. I wished he told me though. Everything only made sense until you sent that letter to my address.”

This was news to Jeno. He always assumed they collectively made a fool out of Jeno. Donghyuck and Renjun were what you called _soulmates_. They always tried to include Jeno but there would be an odd one out in a group of three.

_Wait… Donghyuck liked him?_

_It wasn’t all fake?_

Suddenly, it was all too much for him. All of his previous rationalisations that he built up – all the bricks that he painstakingly layered – came crashing down. It was easier to move on when he had villainized Donghyuck in his head,

The long night calls and texts flashed through his mind.

Jeno felt exposed in the open. He wasn’t crying but he couldn’t help but want to shield his face – hide away. Under the cover of his hands, he lets out a shaky exhale.

“Injun-ah, It’s not nice to make pretty boys cry.” The person that had joined them was nagging but it was playful – full of love and laughter.

Jeno peeked in between his fingers to see a pink hair male kissing the crown of Renjun’s blonde hair.

Jeno waited for the pang to hit him, but it never came. All that was left was a dull ringing in his ears.

When Renjun’s boyfriend redirected his attention to Jeno, a crooked grin creeped up his face. His gaze sent shivers down Jeno’s spine. 

“Hey handsome, I’m Jaemin. Interested in my boyfriend? I totally don’t mind if you are up for a threesome but let me check with my boyfriend first!” Jaemin turned to Renjun but his eyes were still checking Jeno out. “Renjun! Can we keep him please?”

The answer was an instantaneous, “No!”. Renjun glared at him and grabbed both of Jaemin’s hands. All Jeno could do was laugh awkwardly at their lover’s squabble.

Wherever Jaemin went, he brought with him a storm – a tornado of dried autumnal leaves. The more of his Americano he consumed, the more hyper he got – his high-pitched tone sped up, _as if he wasn’t already speaking fast enough_. He reminded Jeno of Yangyang, so he welcomed the chaos. 

Jeno got Renjun’s number for real this time. And yet, there are no flutters, just a recollection of a previous longing. Under Jaemin’s insistence, he also shared his contact with him. 

Renjun swatted the hand Jaemin placed on Jeno’s ass away and sighed like this was a common occurrence. For a moment, Jeno was worried but Jaemin squashed it immediately. When they looked at each other, a million words were exchanged – words of trust and understanding. It was intimate, sweet even. Jeno never had a sweet tooth but he yearned for a love like theirs.

Jeno had a bad premonition that he would have to get used to this.

☀

Weeks faded into months. Donghyuck half expected a call from an unknown number, but he everytime he picked up, it was never Jeno. 

_Not that Donghyuck couldn’t hear it whenever he wanted_ – Zen was just a text away. Well, school happened and he was spending every day either in studio recording or working on lyrics with Mark. He also had to study for General classes, which was a major cockblock in the music making process. Just because he could function on 3-hours of sleep didn’t mean that he liked it, so games were shoved out of the windows.

Renjun had informed, via a series of texts, that Jeno was in the same University as them. Thankfully, Jeno was a Science Major, so if Donghyuck tried really hard, he could probably avoid him. He wasn’t sure why he would do that, but it seemed like the best choice. He did not have the right to contact Jeno.

Besides, Donghyuck got snippets of Jeno from Jaemin gushing over him, _“He’s a natural in front of the camera! Gosh his face.”_ Donghyuck threatened to tape the call and send it to Renjun if he didn’t stop.

Despite all his threats, he still told Jaemin, “Pics or it didn’t happen.”

When Jaemin gave him his Instagram instead, he proceeded to spend hours scrolling through his feed. 

_Donghyuck dug his own grave on that one._

Jeno’s account was opened 9 months ago and had a decent following – gaining traction with his handsome features and Jaemin’s marketing. Most of the posts with Jeno in it were posted recently – reposts from brand deals and some selcas with Jaemin. 

A huge portion of his feed were travel photographs all around Europe – the blue domes of Santorini in the summer, the rainbow fields of tulips in Keukenhof, the classic Eiffel tower and Saint Petersburg in the winter. There were some photos of Yangyang and other travellers they have met along the way, but rarely just him. There were usually no captions.

After the fog – that was Donghyuck’s Jeno-deprived craze – cleared, he locked his phone and threw it on his bed as if it had scarred him.

Donghyuck did not follow Jeno on Instagram.

☀

There were clothes piled on top of Donghyuck’s bed. The keyboard and midi keyboard were hastily shoved aside to make space for Renjun’s makeup bag and the brushes strewn all over, eyeshadow fallouts all over his desk.

Donghyuck ignored the mess in favour of checking himself out in the mirror and bit his lips at the reflection. He had been often called sexy for his confidence, amongst other things, but he had never felt this raunchy. It might just be his hormones talking after pre-gaming. His freshly dyed ash brown hair was gelled and parted in a two third ratio. His makeup was done by Renjun – smoky eyeshadow, nude lip tint, bronzer accentuating his high cheekbones – who was quite seasoned after so many years of doing it for Jaemin.

“Let’s just go first! Jaemin is gonna be late ‘cause of work,” Renjun shouted from his bathroom. 

When they reached Neo club, the neon lime-green sign outside the shop welcoming them, Xuxi and Mark were already at the bar chatting with the bartenders. 

A shot was ready at the table when Donghyuck slid into his seat. He threw it back with Yuta screaming, “Happy birthday” in his face. There were cheers and claps in the background. Sheesh, his friends were so embarrassing sometimes. He basked in it. The tequila burned in a way that made him feel alive.

The night became a blur after the shots kicked in, courtesy of Yuta and Taeyong shoving shots in his hand as if they were free. He groaned at the thought of the bill until he remembered that Mark had placed his card on the tab earlier. 

Donghyuck swayed his hips side and his arms held up behind his head. His leather jacket was ditched at the counter and he was sweating so much that he had three of his buttons undone. Dancing was fun and feeling the warmth of bodies pressing to his back gave him thrills, his hips playfully grinding back. It was all good until grimy whispers shattered the illusion. Usually, Donghyuck might have picked a cute one up but something didn't sit right with him. Or maybe he just wasn't in the mood today. That was weird, Donghyuck was always in the mood. Despite being equally wasted, Renjun kept rescuing him from those situations with an arm hooked around his neck.

Nearing midnight, Renjun leaned over and tried to shout into his ears over the blaring music, bass booming in his heart. He was giggling more than he was talking, but in Donghyuck’s drunken haze – multi-coloured light swimming in his brain – Renjun was so funny. They clung on to each other as they giggled. When one of them finally stopped, the other started again until Donghyuck was clutching at his stomach weakly.

“Happy Birthhhday Hyuckie,” Renjun slurred as he smacked his lips on Donghyuck’s cheek.

“I love you so much and I’m so thankful we are fwenss.” His fingers drummed on Donghyuck’s arm like a pianist. A really drunk one at that.

Donghyuck vaguely recalled responding but his brain was stuffed full of cotton.

When Jaemin came, he peeled Renjun off from their intertwined limbs gently and slung him over his shoulder, holding his waist. Their heads laid on each other’s shoulder – too tired to dance but too tired to move to a resting spot.

“Hyuckie, you should get some water from Taeyong-hyung,” Jaemin said when rubbing Donghyuck’s cheek with his thumb.

“Okay mom.” Donghyuck reached his arms out and threw a pout to the mix. “Help me?”

Jaemin looked to his right, then waved someone over.

“Jeno! A little help here?”

“Jeno? Jeno! Jeno,” Donghyuck repeated in a confused tone. The name had a soothing ring but he couldn’t put a finger on it. 

The boy had blonde hair that stood out in the dark crowd, painted pink and green from the disco lights. His face was out of focus. Before Donghyuck could recalibrate his vision, he was thrown over Jeno’s shoulder, who holding his waist with one arm. 

Jeno’s strength would have been very sexy if Donghyuck was sober. However, Jeno’s shoulder digging into his stomach only made him feel like retching. He punched Jeno’s arm vigorously when covering his mouth to signal the other that he needed to throw up.

Donghyuck was kneeling in front of the toilet bowl and Jeno was holding the door open for him. The more of his dinner he expelled, the stronger his awareness of the presence behind him – Jeno’s gaze burning a hole into his back, a phantom touch running down his spine, causing shudders and goosebumps to run over his skin. He didn’t dare to turn back.

A wet cold bottle pressed into his neck.

“You done?” 

It annoyed Donghyuck for some reason. Jeno had been only helpful for taking care of him but his kindness felt cold. It felt like he had been forced to offer his assistance. Jeno was acting like a stranger. 

Donghyuck wiped his mouth before facing Jeno with a glare. 

The flickering bathroom light revealed Jeno’s silhouette towering over him. A shiver ran across Donghyuck’s whole body until it reached his heart. He gulped.

Only when Jeno shifted his hand holding on the bottle, did Donghyuck pull himself back to reality, away from his irrational fear. _The Jeno he knew was as harmless as a puppy._

Donghyuck snatched the bottle away from Jeno. 

“What’s your problem,” Jeno said through gritted teeth.

Donghyuck ignored his snarls in favour of gurgling his mouth, spitting into the bowl. The argument could wait until the aftertaste of acid and half-digest food were washed out.

When Donghyuck tried to stand up, his legs were numb, thousands of needles prickling his skin. Even with his arm on the plastic partition, he couldn’t push himself up – his arms weak from the lack of exercise – until Jeno pulled him up. His huge hands tightened around Donghyuck’s arm carelessly, despite letting out a ‘tsk’ 

“If you're going to be so mean, then you might as well leave me alone. I don't need your help,” Donghyuck cried out. He shrugged Jeno’s hand away, stumbling out of the stall so that he didn’t feel so caged in. He leaned beside the sink, but was more for emotional than physical support.

Now, when Donghyuck was standing at the same eye level as Jeno, he could see the wince that took over his face, laced with some misery. 

Donghyuck observed Jeno, committing his face to his memory while Jeno was staring at the floor passionately. Jeno’s hair was blonde and an undercut to match for the perfect bad boy look. The nerdy glasses he used to wear were ditched for contacts. He was fitted in a white sleeveless cotton top that hugged his toned body, tucked neatly into a pair of black jeans and finished with a pair of black Dr. Marten boots. It was unfair how Jeno is totally the manifestation of his type.

The booming music thumping through the bathroom wall echoed when someone opened the door and the moment was broken. Jeno’s head jerked up, catching Donghyuck’s gaze for one second. Then, he was turning away, ready to walk out. 

_Out of Donghyuck’s life forever._

Donghyuck’s subconscious urged him to grab onto Jeno’s hand – so he did. The words were tumbling out of his mouth – the words that he wanted to say to Jeno and practiced so many times in his head.

“Can’t you stay?”

Jeno placed his hand over where Donghyuck was holding him, ready to push his hand away but Donghyuck was faster. He clasped desperately to both of his hands.

“I’m so sorry for what I did. I’m really sorry,” Donghyuck croaked out. He felt the tears creep out of his eyes, blurring his vision but this was his only chance – Jeno had halted on his tracks – and what he said next would make it or break their link forever, as easily as snipping a thread.

“I know you like Renjun a lot and I wasn’t trying to make fun of you. I just wanted to talk to you and you to like me back.”

Donghyuck took in a big breath before choking out words that stung, an ache that reverberated in his bones. 

“Is it because I’m not Renjun?” Donghyuck’s body trembled and tears finally streamed down his face. 

A pair of urgent hands cradled his face, thumbing away his tears. Donghyuck was pulled into Jeno’s embrace, his face buried into his shoulder. He vaguely chalked down that Jeno smelled of aftershave and pine. At that moment, Donghyuck was soaring, as if he was fed with a handful of water after navigating the desert for months and years.

Jeno’s hand on his back – his fingers spread wide and his palm warm – was a touch so tender that it gave him chills. It made him twitch uncontrollably in a way he wanted to curl up, but he pressed it down in favour of molding into Jeno, imprinting his touch into memory. His upper back pushed upward and outward to line his chest with Jeno’s broader one. 

Donghyuck thought that he heard the door slamming shut but in the club bathroom that stench of piss and alcohol, he was soaking up the moment. He doesn’t notice Jeno’s right hand that lay limp by his side.

“I’ll bring you home so stop crying, okay?”

☀

Donghyuck was right. He should have stayed away. He would have if Jeno didn’t come to him first.

Now, he couldn’t stop thinking about Jeno. His mind kept looping the sequence of events, the rush of emotions and the words spat out. The sensation of Jeno’s strong hands lingered on his back. Sometimes he turned around in paranoia, but nobody was there.

Jeno rightfully deserved to be angry. Despite everything, Donghyuck still thought about how Jeno aged like fine wine. Perhaps he was even more beautiful when he was fiery, glowing like a meteorite. Maybe Donghyuck wanted a piece of his fire, even if it meant destruction. He would take anything he could get.

There was a cough. Mark raised an eyebrow at Donghyuck and he realised he was chewing on his fingernails again. He quietly removed them and fiddled around with his pen. The blank page of his notebook was staring at him. His personal projects had been on hold for a long time. It had been worse since his run in with Jeno. He felt emotionally stunted and feelings were the primary fuel for his lyric writing.

He could still work on songs for other idol groups. It was enough to pay for his rent but it was unmatched to the pleasure of singing his own lyrics. He didn’t went back into music just for the money.

"Hyuck! Can you help me go over this line? I think this sounds nicer in my head but this version might be easier if they are dancing," Mark asked. His drew squeaky lines unders the lyrics in question. His handwriting was so illegible that Donghyuck had to ask Mark to read the lyrics.

Mark gave him the beat and Donghyuck sang, his vocal chords contracting and expanding to create melodies. 

❅

The campus shuttle only had a handful of passengers, mostly foreign students. A girl with freckles was talking enthusiastically to her boyfriend three rows before him. Her hands were flailing everywhere. If Jeno didn’t have his airpods in, her voice would have been booming.

The University was practically desolated during summer break but some of the facilities were still running. When Jeno took off his glasses to rub his eyes, the lights were almost mistaken for stars dancing against the navy blue sky. 

The bus jerked to a stop. Jaemin waved at him through the glass windows. He was wearing a cap but the enthusiasm in his wave gave him away. Under his cap, blonde tufts were peaking out.

It was a short jog from the bus stop to the University’s gym. It was Jeno’s first time there – they frequent the one near their agency which offered more privacy. Jeno vaguely recognised the buildings from when he brought Donghyuck back home a few weeks ago. 

On the treadmills, Jaemin was running beside Xuxi – Jeno learnt from his boyfriend, Mark. On the day of Donghyuck’s birthday, he offered to share a cab back to campus. Mark was friendly, constantly chatting Jeno up. He must have thought Donghyuck was asleep and his dead drunk boyfriend sure wasn’t company. When Jeno checked on Donghyuck, the street lights gleamed in his eyes. Donghyuck continued facing the window but his hands were fastened to Jeno throughout the ride.

Jeno did some stretches and high kicks for warm-up before heading to the bench press, reaching for the barbells. The reps were easy with practice and the results were always worth it, even with the accompanying sores. 

Jeno returned the additional weights and was ready to wipe down the bench but he stopped in his tracks..

On the bench, Donghyuck was lifting and the veins on his forehead looked like they were about to burst.

“You’re gonna hurt yourself if you do it like that. Your hands should be slightly wider than your shoulder. And you are supposed to wipe down the bench first for y’know, hygiene purposes?”

Donghyuck groaned, his head tilted back in frustration, his ash gray hair falling back to emphasize his strained expression. He was sulking when moved to the floor, murmuring under his breath. At that, Jeno responded with confused noises. 

“What did you say?” 

Donghyuck’s tongue was poking at the side of his cheek before he glared at Jeno. “I was just talking about what rotten luck I have. My friends finally convinced me to go to the gym after months and the first time I agree, I see you? Really?”

“What’s wrong with me? I know we had a bad past and I’m trying to be respectful but you keep- urgh," Jeno said, his voice louder than he expected. He had his hand on his hip and the other hand rubbing his temples gently.

"You are really confusing, you know? You cling on to me one moment and ask me not to go, then today you are so pissy,” Jeno said when he calmed down a little. 

“That’s the problem! You don’t have to go out of the way to be nice to me! I don’t want that.” Donghyuck’s face was flushed as he spoke through gritted teeth, his eyes darting around the room. Jeno realised that they had an audience.

“Hey children! No fighting! When did you become so chummy with each other,” Jaemin said as he placed a hand on both of their shoulders.

“No Jaemin. We are not chummy,” Donghyuck’s previous snarl dropped to show an angelic smile. Jeno was appalled at the speed that Donghyuck’s expression changed.

“Jeno said I was using the gym equipment wrong. I was just asking him to eat his shit but turns out he was right, so we’re okay now,” Donghyuck said as he pushed Jaemin away.

“Really? Don’t injure yourself okay? Junnie will kill me if it happens under my watch,” Jaemin cooed.

When Jeno looked up from his shoe, Jaemin had already gone, leaving Donghyuck’s narrowed eyes on him as he gestured to Jeno to come closer.

“Jaemin is really sharp so pretend that you are helping me okay? Nothing good will come out if he knows what happened. You know how he is,” Donghyuck whispered.

 _Oh, Jeno knew_. From the short few months, he had learnt how overbearing Jaemin can be. He would probably sit them down and make them talk, then probably make them apologise and wrap up with a forgiveness hug. He shuddered.

The talk was probably overdue – _time didn’t heal all wounds_. Judging from Donghyuck’s responses, they could both use some closure.

“Sure, only if you promise to have dinner with me later.”

“Fine,” Donghyuck grunted after staring at him for a second too long, his eyes narrowed. 

Donghyuck shrugged it off by doing head rotations. “Alrighty, big boy. My posture won’t correct itself!”

❅

They had dinner at the cafeteria near the gym. The ceiling was high and the measly wall fans weren’t enough to cool off their sweat. 

Jeno ordered a kimchi stew with rice while Donghyuck was found at the Western store. He rounded the table with chicken cutlet plus fries and coleslaw.

“Stop staring .. I deserved this much after getting dragged to hell. I don’t think I can feel my arms anymore,” Donghyuck pouted. He was already slicing the cutlet.

“Right. The calories that you burnt is definitely not enough for you to be eating like that but sure,” Jeno retorted.

“Ugh.. Why are all my friends gym junkies? Junnie is the only one for me,” Donghyuck grunted with a mouthful of chicken.

“Oh, is that what we are now? Friends?”

“Don’t twist my words, Lee.”

“You are a Lee too.”

Donghyuck combed his gray strands upwards, running it through a few times before he spoke again but it didn’t have the sharpness that Donghyuck usually carried with him. 

“Yes, I’m a Lee. Your point?”

 _His point?_ Jeno didn’t have a point, he just wanted to be civil, especially because their friend group is starting to coincide against his wishes. He doesn’t know what Donghyuck wanted, who constantly held him at knife point and surprised him with his questions and reactions. _Was Donghyuck really the boy that he spent hours texting for years?_ It was as if Jeno couldn’t get a read on him at all.

“No, what is your point? Why don’t you want me to be nice to you? You want me to sit on you and call you shithead?”

It took a grand total of two minute for Donghyuck to stop laughing. 

Yeah, that sounds way better than what we have now,” Donghyuck said as he gestured vaguely at the space between them.

“And what do we have now?”

“I don’t know but I hate it. I hate us tiptoeing around each other when we used to talk so freely, you know? I mean I understand if you want to get the fuck away from me and pretend I don’t exist. I don’t need you to pretend to be nice to me even if you hate me? Just hate me if you want, I can handle at least that much,” Donghyuck said.

“‘I’m not pretending and I-, uh, I don’t think I hate you? I’m still here, aren’t I,” Jeno replied, confused.

“Are you saying you want to be friends, Lee?”

Jeno nodded his head once slowly, then the second time more firmly.

Donghyuck’s gaze fell back onto his cutlet that was half finished but his fork remained lying on the table.

“Sadly, that’s not what I want so I don’t think it would work out,” Donghyuck sighed.

“Why are you so pressed on getting me to bully you that much? You know that’s more of your forte, Hyuck.”

“You really don’t get it, do you?”

Before he knew it, Jeno was dragged up from the collar of his shirt and his eyes slammed shut, expecting a punch, which was dumb. Thankfully, Donghyuck merely patted at Jeno’s shoulder and lamented silently to himself. Jeno didn’t manage to catch what it was about. When Donghyuck looked into Jeno’s eyes, invading his thoughts, his gaze was similar to a falcon observing its prey - pupilsround but fierce.

“You’re right, that’s my forte. If you really want to be friends, I’ll bully you for real,” Donghyuck said, giving Jeno’s shoulder a squeeze before he dropped them. Then, he took his bag and wallet in preparation to leave.

“Thanks for dinner, Jeno,” he said as he was clearing his tray.

“You’re going just like that? Mid conversation?”

Donghyuck chuckled and flashed a cocky grin – one that he remembered fondly from their time of innocence, though Donghyuck could be hardly described with that word.

“Rest assured, you will be definitely seeing more of me,” Donghyuck said. 

Then, he was gone – his departure a grand gesture of blowing at his finger gun. The sound of his cackles rang in Jeno’s ears.

☀

Despite his proud declarations, all Donghyuck had done so far was passive information collecting.

He started by following Jeno on Instagram, then he pleaded Jaemin for Jeno’s number. It was hard to solicit information from Jaemin, but he wasn’t about to grovel to Renjun for an 8-digit code. He admitted he had the hots for Jeno just to appease Jaemin, which he supposed was the half-truth. The glee was obvious with Jaemin’s wide smile, one that Donghyuck wanted to smack away. Jaemin pretended to ponder and rambled on about how this was confidential information.

Donghyuck was exhausted after being subjected to Jaemin’s fake cutesy act, his elbow digging into his side – the same way he was drilling for information. He felt like he had lost even with Jeno’s number saved in his phone.

Orchestrating his bully act was like crossing three steps on the stairs in one go. Donghyuck was not going to spam Jeno with a series of slurs. That was not his intent when he said he would bully him. 

That was why Donghyuck was waiting anxiously in Renjun and Jaemin's room. The balls of his feet were harshly pressed onto the floor, his palms bracketing his knee so that they wouldn't shake.

"Stop acting like you are meeting the parents," Renjun said. He wrapped his hands around Donghyuck's waist, his left cheek squished against his shoulder.

"I'm not. As a matter of fact, we have already met his parents," Donghyuck retorted. Their faces were blurry in Donghyuck's memory. Jeno did not send any photos of them when they were still on talking terms.

A waft of pancakes entered the room, distracting Donghyuck from his thoughts. He could hear the clang of the spatula on the pan and the sizzling sounds.

"Anyways, if things get awkward, Mark and Xuxi would be here too," Renjun reassured.

The doorbell rang and Jaemin yelled, "Junnie! Can you get the door?"

Renjun gave Donghyuck a pointed look and he handed the keys over from his pocket. They both knew that Mark and Xuxi would be late. The latter was a notorious over-sleeper and Mark gave in too easily when it came to his lover. Other than that, Mark was a monster at work, making Donghyuck redo his lines until his throats ripped raw and scratchy.

Better bite the bullet. Donghyuck swung the lilac door open. The metal lines of the door framed Jeno, who looked into Donghyuck's eye when acknowledging him with a nod. He was dressed in a black muscle tee – appropriate for the hot summer heat, but not so much for Donghyuck’s wellbeing.

Donghyuck unlocked the padlock and brought him to the living room. The kitchen was visible from the sofa, so Jaemin waved to them with the oily spatula. Jeno padded over to talk with Jaemin so Donghyuck dashed back into the bedroom, only for the door to be locked. _That demon!_

Jeno was already on the sofa when Donghyuck returned. The television screen flickered to a new channel every few seconds. 

"There's nothing nice on the TV," Jeno said. It sounded like a monologue; a passing comment left in the air. Donghyuck had not realised it was directed at him until he looked at him. Jeno’s eyes were soft and light brown under the natural light streaming into the room. Yellow strands of Jeno’s unstyled bangs were tickling his lashes. 

“The children’s shows are the best on Sunday mornings,” Donghyuck replied. His hands reached out for the remote. Jeno let out a small noise of confusion before placing his palm onto his hand.

"I meant the remote, you dummy," Donghyuck sputtered. 

_Calm down, Lee Donghyuck._

The rubber buttons were soft under his fingers and he didn’t have to press as hard as he did.

A song was playing softly from the speakers flanking both sides of the television screen. The familiar beat was an anchor and Donghyuck found himself humming to it. The girl group that was dancing on screen was dressed in retro block colour prints, flaunting their lean arms as they danced.

Donghyuck reached into his mental bank of icebreaker questions, swiping the general ones out of the way. He grabbed onto a few of them only to let go in favour of his curiosity.

“Why did you come back to Korea, Jeno?”

Jeno raised an eyebrow. “You were hoping that I didn’t come back, didn’t you,” Jeno asked. His lips were pressed on a firm line and his expression was unreadable. It didn’t have the fire, nor did it have ice. 

“I didn’t say that!” Donghyuck grabbed onto the square throw pillows beside him and whacked him lightly. It was stopped immediately. Curse Jeno with his ripped arms that flexed as he grabbed onto the pillow. Jeno chuckled at his antiques and the tension dissipated.

“I always wanted to come back to Korea,” Jeno said. _Lies_ , Donghyuck thought. Jeno placed the pillow into his lap before continuing, “And our University offers Animal Science and Biotechnology, so yeah.”

“You want to be a vet? Because of Bongshik?”

“Yea, Bongshik…” Jeno’s gaze drifted for a little before it snapped back. “Not only that, we can go into research as well.”

“How is Bongshik?”

“Good. She’s living with Yangyang now,” Jeno said. Donghyuck did not ask why.

For the rest of the morning, the conversation was made up of Donghyuck asking questions and Jeno answering them. 

Donghyuck could listen to Jeno talk for ages, so he took a step back and sat beside Renjun during breakfast. Opposite of him, Mark and Jeno were engaged in an English conversation about movies. Donghyuck pretended that he did not understand, pouring a dollop of maple syrup over his pancake. He was listening even when he seemed preoccupied with slicing the pancakes into eighths and eating them separately with a fork.

❅

Jeno's favourite seat in the library was the one at the end of the third floor. There were large windows beside the row of desks. When it was sunny, the light hurt his eyes, but he liked looking at the tall trees and students milling out of the campus bus during rush hour. There was privacy this deep in the library, but not too much. Unlike the windowless library on the fourth floor where the air was always stale. He made the mistake of studying there once. Let’s just say, he would never go there again.

It was early enough in the semester that the pressing time wasn’t as evident and the library was mostly empty. Jeno took his time to take out his laptop and study materials. He was distracted by the nature outside when keying in his password.

The screeching sound of the chair legs caught his attention.

It was Donghyuck, who was dressed in a light gray hoodie and black jeans. He only carried a black laptop case with him, a huge pair of headphones hung around his neck.

“Why are you here, Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck extended the hand holding his laptop to make his point as he said, “To study, duh.” He rolled his eyes as he settled into his seat. 

Only Donghyuck had this way of getting under Jeno’s skin, rekindling a flame that he wasn’t even sure he had. However, if there was anything that Jeno prided himself in, it was being rational. He just had to ignore Donghyuck and study. Sure, this was his favourite seat but it’s a public space. 

For the rest of the afternoon, Jeno managed to finish most of his readings for the week. 

The only mistake he made was going to the washroom and he returned to his notes full of doodles. Clouds with tiny faces, snowman, trees and even a small puppy. Jeno stared at Donghyuck as he erased them pointedly, leaving the other pouting and slinking down his chair. After Jeno saw that he had put on his headphones, he returned back to studying.

During sunset, saturated oranges streamed into the windows, painting the whole library in the warmth of the golden hour. 

Jeno had contemplated asking Donghyuck to dinner. He didn’t know why he was mulling over such a simple thing. He mentally smacked himself before he asked, “Want to get dinner?”

Donghyuck was preoccupied with bopping his head to a song. Jeno wanted to ask again, but somehow the determination to do so slipped away, like rain on a lily pad. It didn’t matter anyways. Donghyuck had left soon after, with a short wave. Just when he was about to disappear behind the staircase door, he shot Jeno a thumbs up, His other hand was pointing at Jeno’s laptop. His lips were mouthing, “study hard.”

❅

Jeno didn’t know why he expected it to be a one-off event because Donghyuck always surprised him. He was forced into Jeno’s routine – appearing every time Jeno was there. He had to work his revision around modelling schedules. It threw him off when there were last minute reschedules but at least his manager had the decency to avoid his classes. During times like these, Jeno wondered if Donghyuck turned up at the library only to be alone. 

It was probably unlikely – Donghyuck mostly fumbled with his keyboard with his chin supported on his palms. He made sure to doodle on Jeno’s notes with a pen after the first time. 

Donghyuck always had his black headphones on, his ears engulfed by the oval cushions. It made Jeno curious because he could never study with noise and it irked him when people were giggling in the library. However, Donghyuck was cautious. He always locked his computer before leaving for the washroom, which was already a rare occurrence. He never carried a bottle with him and Jeno was worried that he would pass out from severe dehydration before exhaustion killed him. 

Speaking of which, Donghyuck’s dark eye circles sunk deeper and darker week after week. Despite that, he still carried himself with the lightness of a feather, his steps fast when he left for whatever was keeping him up. Belatedly, Jeno wondered if he still had problems sleeping like he did as a teenager.

Jeno didn’t ask. Not until the fifth week in, when Donghyuck turned up without anything but a brown leather notebook that was worn out from the years of use. He didn’t even have the headphones that were always hung around his neck. When he asked Jeno for a pen, he had even put on a cutesy act, with his hands clutched together gently near his chin. It was unconvincing with the fatigue, even if Donghyuck was good at masking his expression. The memory of Donghyuck’s big brown eyes and chubby cheeks as a child was crystal clear in Jeno’s memory.

“No music today?”

Donghyuck’s bottom lip jutted out to form a pout, highlighting the shine of his lip gloss. 

“Mark kicked me out of the studio. Said I had to go back to basics, whatever that means,” Donghyuck grumbled. He poked the pen nib against his book, tiny dots littering across the page like stars.

“Is it because of the choir?”

Donghyuck was still doodling on the page as he asked, “What?” He drew two semi-circles that connected to form a crescent moon and repeated one more time.

“Your decision to go into music,” Jeno said.

“Nah. Quit that in Middle School. Actually, how it happened is quite stupid?” Donghyuck dropped the pen down after capping it. He slid down the chair until Jeno could only see the crown of his head over his laptop screen. His roots were grown out, but it complemented his ash gray hair.

“I went to Karaoke with Xuxi and Mark. I sang Billionaire. Like I was ready to rap but he got too excited and started rapping. Then, Mark clapped after we were done and he held my hands and told me that my voice was what he was _dreaming_ of,” Donghyuck exaggerated _dreaming_ with a blissful sigh, his finger laced together.

“After that, he dragged me to the studio, and we recorded our first duet. Mind you, it was my first-time meeting Mark,” Donghyuck said as he sat back up.

“Are you talking about our Mark,” Jeno asked. Since their first encounter, Jeno had learned that Mark was the type that gave but rarely received. He did everything himself and he was dependable, but Jeno knew better to lean on – for a rock could only carry so much weight before breaking.

Donghyuck’s lips pressed together and his head dropped down dramatically for an affirmative yes. When he looked up, his eyes had a mischievous glint to it – one that he hadn’t seen in a while.

❅

Out of all the places that Donghyuck could have dragged him, Jeno would not have expected the arcade. 

Bright colours, clashing sounds effects, teenage boys crowding around their machine of choice. He used to be one of them. 

Donghyuck purchased a game card before leading Jeno to a large machine. It had a huge display, the gradient of pink and purple lights changing to blue. It had a wide 5-inch thick platform with 8 glowing arrows. There were two inverse U-shaped poles at the back.

"Come on," Donghyuck said as his wrist flicked towards himself. 

"I'm not going to dance," Jeno answered. 

"Don't tell me you're scared? Big baby Jeno?"

Jeno huffed but he stepped onto the platform, his arms crossed as Donghyuck handled the selections. Two-players. Medium Difficulty. _It couldn't be that hard right?_

The music had a catchy beat. The introduction had a step sequence that was manageable but once pre-chorus started, Jeno was left scrambling to follow the arrows. His body refused to coordinate and tensed up at the overload of information. As his misses increased, his steps turned half hearted.

“Hey, no giving up,” Donghyuck said after he realised that Jeno was slacking off.

Jeno could sense how smooth Donghyuck's movements were from his peripheral view but watching him properly it was another story. Donghyuck moved like twinkle toes, his feet fast on glowing squares but his upper body was relaxed. His hands held onto the pole behind them. 

The worse part? He was smiling as he nailed the moves. 

They say eyes are the window to the soul. While an aloof grin hung on Donghyuck's face, his eyes were shiny with pure joy. It must have been the happiest he had seen Donghyuck for the past few months. Just because Donghyuck knew how to put on a smile didn't mean it was always genuine. Afterall, Jeno was a master of fake smiles and laughs.

Donghyuck jumped off the dance platform. His eyes widened in recognition and a tinge of delight when he spotted a bright pink machine. He extended his left hand out and Jeno was dragged away.

"I finally beat you for once," Donghyuck said as he wiped his sweat onto his collar. 

"You were always bad at games," Jeno smirked.

"What!" Donghyuck threw his hands around Jeno and held him in a choke hold. His giggles were airy, filling his heart with a light-heated giddiness.

"Can't I choose the next game," Jeno mumbled onto Donghyuck's arm. He felt Donghyuck shift before a plastic card was pressed onto his fingers.

They walked around the arcade before Jeno chose the punching game. He was only slightly disappointed that Donghyuck scored 5 points below him. 

☀

How to get Jeno’s attention:

☒ Get his number → text him

☒ Disturb him at Science Library

☐ Go to his shoot (ask Jaemin for schedule) 

The opportunity presented itself one fine afternoon when Donghyuck was when his client delayed the meeting. Donghyuck had to pull a few strings to get Jeno’s schedule but he still texted Jeno to be sure.

A redhead stood out in the lobby when he arrived. He was not just any redhead though. Donghyuck hugged him tight, the drinks in the takeout carton sloshing around dangerously.

“Donghyuck! You rarely visit now,” he said as he patted Donghyuck’s head.

“Mr. Moon! I missed you so much! I even went to get you coffee from your favourite place,” Donghyuck whined. 

Mr. Moon, also known as Moon Taeil, was Jaemin’s manager. Donghyuck got cozy with him after they planned Jaemin’s birthday surprise together. Despite being an adult, it was easy to joke around with him.

“Really? Aw, thank you.”

The huge lights illuminated the site that was buzzing with energy, the makeup and photoshoot crew dashing around as they ran through different outfits. The rest of the staff paid no mind to Donghyuck since there was a blue lanyard resting snugly against his neck. Beside him, Mr. Moon took notes quietly and worked through the details of Jaemin’s future schedules.

It hasn’t been that long since he last saw Jeno but there was a different air around him. His iconic bad boy look had been completely wiped off – blonde hair dyed to hazelnut brown colour. His undercut was grown out and his bangs were combed down for that soft boyfriend look. The clothes he modelled in were too warm for summer – a huge brown overcoat, blue-grey turtleneck, chestnut brown pants plus sleek brown leather shoes – for the winter release. 

Jaemin was dressed in a similar line, but the turtleneck swapped for a hoodie instead and finished with sneakers for a more casual style. Thankfully for them, it was an indoor shoot so the air conditioner was blasting.

“Hey Mr. Moon, how is working with Jeno?”

Mr. Moon clicked his pen shut. “Oh, actually he’s under Jungwoo but he is a natural. On top of that, he’s a really sweet boy. Most of the staff that worked with him only have praises for him.”

“Eh, he is so mean to me though,” Donghyuck commented offhandedly.

Speaking of the devil, a pair of footsteps – short heels that tapped softly on the ceramic floor – joined them. Donghyuck almost ignored Jeno waving at him in favour of staring at Jungwoo, who looked very much like a model. Jungwoo’s ash brown hair was parted elegantly. His dimples accentuated the softness of his face as he directed a smile at Donghyuck after greeting Mr. Moon.

“Nice to meet you! I’m Jungwoo, Jeno’s manager.”

Jungwoo scratched his cheek shyly before adding, “Actually I’m kind of a fan since your first duet with Mark. Your voice is quite remarkable.”

“Ah, thank you so much,” Donghyuck bowed repeatedly to show his gratitude. He was surprised that Jungwoo knew about the few songs he had posted. 

During Jaemin’s solo shoot, Jeno took his break. He was subjected to playful punches from Jungwoo when he came over. Despite the apparent confusion on his face, he played along with and let out the cutest ‘ow’s.

“You never told me you already published your songs,” Jeno asked as he sipped on his lychee iced tea that Donghyuck bought.

“That’s pretty much the minimum for music students I guess,” Donghyuck responded. It was hard to keep his nonchalant act when Jeno had casually placed his hand on the table, right behind where he was leaning against.

“Will you let me listen?” 

Jeno’s eyes were bewitching, casting a spell so that Donghyuck could only agree. At this point, it was no surprise that Donghyuck was weak when it came to a certain human-sized samoyed. He passed his headphones to Jeno as he navigated to the Melon app, hitting play on the track he was most confident on. 

It was a poppy track with a tropical spin – an attempt to replicate the freshness that came with falling in love. Mark wrote about Xuxi but was too shy to sing himself so he shoved it under Donghyuck’s wing.

The 2 minutes 29 seconds seemed to stretch, distorting Donghyuck’s impression of time and space. He resigned to observe Jeno’s expression for non-verbal feedback. Jeno looked down, bopping his head to the music ever so often. His gaze flickered from his cute button nose to his lips, then again to the mole by his eyes.

_Oh, how badly did Donghyuck want to kiss the mole beside them._

In his hyperfixation, he missed the exact timing when Jeno looked up but he was smiling at Donghyuck – garnet sparkling under his crescent moon eyes. 

“I liked the hook,” Jeno said as he crowded into Donghyuck space. He slotted the headphones around the curve of his neck, his fingers brushing the nape of his neck right between where Donghyuck’s hair ended and the lanyard sat. Donghyuck preened at the touched, a pleasant buzz in his ears.

The crew called for Jeno’s turn. 

“It was good! Send me your Melon music link later?” Jeno asked as he turned around abruptly mid-jog.

Donghyuck smirked at Jeno, waving him off coolly but his cheeks were warm to the touch even after he had left the building. He blamed it on the summer heat.

❅

It was official. Jeno did not understand Donghyuck at all. 

It was like taking one step forward and two steps back. They were finally warming and all of a sudden, Donghyuck stopped turning up for the library sessions. When Jeno texted him, his replies were short and curd. 

Even when Donghyuck turned up for their weekly group dinner, he was glum and tense. He sat beside Renjun and shuffled closer during dinner.

It was even worse with Mark, his own slave driver. That meant that he had stopped going for dinners on top of ignoring their messages. Xuxi assured everyone that Mark just didn’t have the bandwidth to socialise now, that he was resting properly. Jeno had his doubts.

When Jeno leaned over to ask him where Mark was, Donghyuck winced and cursed softly under his breath before shaking his head. _Not now._

Jaemin noticed. He always did. He shot a sympathetic look at Donghyuck. Only Jeno caught it. 

The tingle of the wind that roused Jeno’s hair kept him and Donghyuck company when they ambled around the neighbourhood near the dinner place. There wasn’t a single soul in the dark alley, only the squelch of their footsteps on the wet gravel and the distant zoom of the highway. 

Jeno heard it loud and clear when Donghyuck spoke for the first time that night. His voice was scratchy, as if he had been screaming for hours. 

“Will you go to the noraebang with me?”

If that was what he had to do to shoo the clouds away, then he would do it. They had all the time in the world, until the sun had to rise again.

The coins were rattling, clanking against each other loudly. Donghyuck leaned his weight on one foot, his hand on top of the coin exchange machine. He accepted the can of beer wordlessly and flipped the pull-tub swiftly, downing what must be a third of the can. When he tilted his head back, the hem of his grey hoodie rode up, revealing a piece of his skin. It shouldn’t have affected Jeno – as his unofficial fitness trainer, he had seen more – but when presented in this format, it felt sinful. 

Donghyuck turned on the disco lights and the beams of neon lights shot all around the rooms, swirling around, alternating between different hues.

Much to Jeno’s surprise, Donghyuck didn’t sing any ballads. Instead, he busted his lungs to feel-good tracks. His song was Queen’s ‘Rock you’ and he stomped his feet to the beat, encouraging Jeno to join him in screaming.

When the screen rolled to show Ariana’s ‘thank u next’, Donghyuck toned down to a chill vibe, rocking his body side to side. He had a habit of placing two fingers on his ears during a high note. His rich alluring voice seemed a tad bit different to the ballads in his discography, which Jeno _totally_ did not fall asleep to. 

Donghyuck’s last song was Taeyeon’s ‘I’. The opening was breathtaking with how effortlessly Donghyuck hit all the high notes. His voice made Jeno feel as if he was carried in the wind. That was before he threw the mike to Jeno for the rap part, leaving him stuttering the lyrics flashing past. Donghyuck giggled beside him, leaning onto his shoulder. He stayed there even after he took back the mike.

Jeno hastily clicked onto a song when Donghyuck was chanting for him to sing, his breath sending waves of sweet tingles down his neck. Khalid’s ‘Saturday night’ was a track that he had looped when it was released, the lyrics echoing what he couldn’t express. Since it was a relatively slower song around his pitch, he got through most of the song easily.

“Beautiful. Marvelous. Way better than your rapping I must say. But why are you singing sad songs? Who hurt my Jen?”.

Jeno tried to suppress the strange feelings that came when Donghyuck called him Jen like he used to. Then, the last gear fitted into his brain, then it all clicked, all of them rotating like a clockwork. It wasn’t an inherently sad song but Donghyuck understood the lyrics so quickly. It explained why Donghyuck was so good at English songs and his accent that wasn't quite Korean. 

“Do you know Lauv? Wanna sing ‘There’s no way’ together?” Jeno asked cautiously, testing the waters.

Donghyuck did not catch his hesitance and replied, “Hmm? You wanna do Julia’s part or Lauv’s?”

“Lauv,” Jeno replied, his eyes never leaving Donghyuck, even when he was caught staring. 5 seconds – that was how long their eye contact lasted. There was something that flashed past but it disappeared when Donghyuck turned back to screen, messing up the line.

Apparently singing works wonders even for a stressed, angsty music major, who was currently preoccupied with aiming the empty beer cans into the dustbin a metre away. Donghyuck threw his hands up and cheered until Jeno slapped his hands over his mouth. 

“Jeez, quiet down. It’s almost 12,” Jeno reprimanded.

Donghyuck ignored his remark and reached his hand out, “Jen-Jen~ Give me your can too?”

Jeno passes the can over easily. His mind was whirling, thinking hard about how to breach the topic. Perhaps it would be better just to cut to the chase.

“Are you Full Sun?”

The clang of the can on the metal rim of the dustbin was deafening in the silence of the night. Donghyuck’s body rushed forward to catch it but he didn’t have to – the can made it in, just barely.

“I guess, Haechan means Full Sun after all.”

“You know that’s not what I mean,” Jeno retorted. 

“Yeah, I am Full Sun, Zen’s sidekick. Happy?” Donghyuck’s thumb ran across Jeno’s forehead, pressing at the muscles bunched up softly. He nagged, “You shouldn’t frown with a model’s face. It will get all wrinkly and you won’t be able to pay your rent.”

“No. I don’t understand how and mostly importantly, why?”

Donghyuck shrinked away, walking an arm’s length away from Jeno. He kicked at a rock on the sidewalk and it tumbled across the concrete road, with loud thuds echoing in the silent night. He muttered under his breath, but it was too soft to tell. When he finally spoke, he sounded unsure.

“I’m not even sure myself,” Donghyuck breathed out, his voice uneven.

Jeno knew it wasn’t the truth. Donghyuck took too long to mull over what to say. Jeno could be silent and let Donghyuck’s off but they would be back to square one. This time, he asked more firmly, “Why did you do it again? Why do you always have to pretend to be someone?”

This time the response was instantaneous.

“Are you saying that you are pretending when you are Zen too?” Donghyuck’s voice had an edge of defensiveness.

“No,” Jeno sighed, pushing up his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose.

“Then why can’t you believe that I was genuine too,” Donghyuck enunciated every syllable with care. 

_You have already made a fool of me once_ , Jeno thought. The wounds healed, but the scars never faded. Jeno was standing alone under the crashing waves of what ifs. He had already ran through them enough to conclude that Renjun would never love him, even if Donghyuck had not interrupted. He was already in love, even before Jaemin. 

Jeno laughed, but it sounded unkind even to himself. Donghyuck, who was beside him, stilled and his urgent eyes searched for Jeno. There was fire in Donghyuck’s eyes, but his Adam's apple gave way to a nervous gulp. One moment Jeno was observing the movement and the next, his lips were sucking on his throat, nibbling on the soft skin. Donghyuck’s ribs felt so weak under his tight grip, as if they would crumble, just like how he broke Jeno once.

The bizarreness of the situation hadn’t struck him until he pulled off with a pop sound. He was irrational when it came to Donghyuck. He made Jeno angry when he didn’t want to. And yet, moths were still drawn to the beauty of the flickering glow of oranges and red that could kill them.

A patch of dark purple was obvious with the streetlamp shining directly on it. His hoodie sat awkwardly on his shoulders, the neck of his hoodie was opened too wide. Instead of fixing it, Donghyuck’s fist clenched around Jeno’s shirt and dragged Jeno closer, until their chests were flushed together. Donghyuck’s pupils were blown, a darkness taking over the brown in his eyes. Moles were littered on his cheeks, forming a constellation of his own. Jeno was transfixed with following the stars.

A pair of lanky arms hooked around Jeno’s neck, fingers tickling his neck unintentionally. He knew that he should move away. Maybe push Donghyuck away, but he couldn’t find the strength in his arms that bench-pressed weekly. The only thing he could do when Donghyuck tiptoed – to make up for the minute difference in height – was to turn his head away so his lips crashed onto his cheeks instead.

Donghyuck slinked away and the loss of warmth was instantaneous.

“You shouldn’t have done that if you don’t want me,” Donghyuck scoffed. 

There were no words for a comeback, only the sound of crickets and their footsteps to make up for their silence. Time seemed to stretch into palpable tension on the long walk back to campus. It had suffocated him with thoughts about them: their past, texts and more recent encounters. He had apologised when they reached the intersection separating their dormitories. It felt right, even if Jeno wasn't sure what it was for. 

_Sorry for kissing you?_

_Sorry for not wanting you?_

He ended up with an ambiguous, "Sorry about just now." 

Donghyuck had merely shrugged it off but he was slouching when he walked away. He didn't turn back.

❅

As soon as Jeno exited the gantry, he could see Doyoung holding a huge sign board with his name in it. He must have gotten his friends to help, because their family was not blessed with artistic genes. If not for the obnoxiously blue board, he would have missed his brother in a sea of foreigners at least a head taller. It felt strange to call people that he once lived with foreigners.

Only then, did it strike Jeno that he had been away from home for a year. A year and a half, if he counted the trip, he took with Yangyang. Speaking of which, who was waving animatedly beside his brother. Yangyang was dressed in a black tee over long red sleeves. His black pants had huge rectangular pockets at the calf area, the hem pooling around his sneakers. 

Yangyang did not say anything. He merely shot Jeno his devilish grin before throwing his arms around him. He squeezed him until it was hard to breath, their ribs crashed together. When he let go, Jeno knew that was a year’s worth of hugs. 

It seemed to Jeno that the time apart mattered little to his parents, for they were nowhere to be found. He would have been disappointed but he had already beaten himself over things that were out of his control for too long.

Doyoung gave him a quick side hug before he insisted on handling Jeno’s luggage, which was only his backpack and a mini luggage. It was nice being taken care of after being used to the solitude. Even with friends and work to keep him busy, he had learnt that independence meant doing his laundry, waking up in mid-sleep to catch mice that had found their way to his room. 

The drive back was long but soothing. Dongyoung always liked playing his CDs at a low volume, humming the words as he steered the wheel. It was late, so that was the only reason why Yangyang was not screaming into his eardrums. Instead, he had claimed Jeno’s shoulder as his nap pillow. 

A decade of friendship aside, Jeno whacked Yangyang when he felt a wet patch on his shoulder.

❅

The days leading up to Christmas was a marathon. Jeno had been roped into shopping, preparations, and gift wrapping. He did not complain, for it was the only time of the year that his mother took leave in lieu of the festive spirit. While he was not very attached to either of his parents, he always had been closer to her. His mother hooked onto Jeno’s arm when they roamed around the shopping district. 

He was only free from her grasp on the night of Christmas, after his family had their celebrations in the morning.

The Christmas market never lost its magic after all these years. The tradition was nice but instead of candy canes and hot chocolate, he had a cup of hot wine instead. It kept his hands warm, his chest burning steadily. The slice of orange swirled around as he stirred with the cinnamon stick.

Beside him, Yangyang strolled slowly, stopping by every other shop to buy more snacks and trinkets. After one row of shops, his hands were full and Jeno had to carry some for him. 

They relocated to a bench at the park nearby to finish their food. They were so full after, so they decided to just relax there. They had enough of squeezing past the festive crowd. 

There were the piercing squeals of children running on barren land that used to be covered with green leaves. Their tiny feet could not support their weight and one of them fell. He squealed in delight, pushing himself up before tottering away. His parents chased after him for quite a while before they caught him. The child was held under his arms and raised in the sky. He giggled when his dad blew raspberries on his round cheeks.

In 20 years of his existence, Jeno did not kiss many people. There was his mother, whom he used to kiss at her kiss when he was a kid. His prom date, a girl with auburn pigtails and too many freckles to count. He felt obliged to give a forehead kiss after sending her home. There was Yangyang too. When they were thirteen, too young to know better and seriously questioning their sexuality. He supposed he should be thankful that it was Yangyang, if not he would have ended up with a black eye. He can’t pinpoint the sensation after so many years, but the Yangyang giggling onto his lips was a 180 turn when compared to him kissing Donghyuck. It felt so wrong but it elicited a basal reaction, a need to claim. A moment where he lost his rationality.

“I kissed Donghyuck,” Jeno whispered. Admitting it out loud was like a revelation, like a message in a bottle that had finally floated ashore.

Yangyang raised his eyebrow and gave Jeno a small smile, “Are we doing secrets exchange instead of gift exchange this year?”

“You don’t know what I’m talking about,” Jeno said.

“You’re right, I don’t,” Yangyang said calmly. There was another message that was hidden undercurrent. It was subtly nuanced, a meaning that Jeno could not decode. Jeno’s hand reached out for Yangyang but he shied away from his touch. 

Yangyang kept his hands close to his chest as he spoke, “I don’t think I could ever love anyone, Jeno.”

Jeno was at a loss for words so he looked away. The children and their family were gone. He reached for his drink and finished it. It had already turned cold and spices were overpowering on his tongue. 

“What about that girl you date from our High School- uh, Sofia,” Jeno asked.

“She was the one that made me realise, actually,” Yangyang said. His eyes were distant.

“Do you think that’s because she isn’t the one,” Jeno asked.

Yangyang shot his question right back at him like a boomerang. “Then, do you think Donghyuck is the one?”

There was a stutter in Jeno's chest. He could not answer Yangyang even if he had mulled over the thought for weeks. He settled for saying, “It’s sad not being able to love anyone.”

“Well, it’s not that bad. It’s not like I’m dying so don’t look at me like that. At least I can say I love my parents for sure. And Bongshik. Maybe you, but that’s too gay even for you,” Yangyang laughed out. 

“It’s not that deep. I won’t die without love,” Yangyang continued. His cheery smile had returned full-force when he spoke, “Anyways, don’t think you can escape from telling me the details.”

❅

The fluorescent bulbs spread a yellow glaze over the dingy convenience store. Donghyuck was perched on the round plastic chairs placed in front of the glass doors that gave him a wide view of the streets. It was a stark contrast to the gentle snowfall with an edge of bluish sheen to it. It turned muddy under thick leather boots.

When December rolled around, Donghyuck had accepted his fate as a babysitter for rebellious teenagers. Winter that year was bleaker than usual – not because of the seasonal depression; not because of the cold weather; not because of lack of sunlight (he was allergic to the sun, for god’s sake). He usually rejoiced at how winter supported his non-existent sleep schedule.

He sulking totally did not have to do with the cute selfies Xuxi and Mark sent from Vancouver. Also nothing to do with Jaemin’s Instagram stories that were full of Renjun, who should have been back home with him. Definitely nothing to do with the radio silence from Jeno. He huffed as he angrily screenshotted Jeno’s Instagram photos.

Maybe they were meant to be only friends, but Donghyuck could never help but want more. His thumb swiped over the recent screenshots to delete them, but they stopped at a particularly endearing one. It was a selfie taken with Bongshik, half of Jeno’s face buried in her fur. His eyes were curved and he could see the smile even if it was not photographed. The next instagram story was one where his eyes and nose were red from his allergy. 

It reminded him of the sneaking shots of Renjun just to send to Jeno. Gosh, he was stupid. Why did he do that? 

The long hand of his clock told him that he had 40 minute before Chenle and Jisung were done with smashing the games at the arcade, if they remembered the curfew he gave at all. Digging into the bottom of his backpack, Donghyuck managed to procure a ball-point pen. He straightened out the brown napkin, pressing it down with his thumb and ring finger before he started scribbling down bullet points. He taped himself humming on his phone. He ding of the cash register and the flipping of notes was the accompanying instrument for his recording.

Immediately after New Years, Donghyuck booked a train ticket back to Seoul. 

☀

Donghyuck found himself chewing on his nails after zoning back in. It was a bad habit but he couldn't help it – the jitters tumbling through his body. The nerves weren’t even that bad when he sang his first song.

This song was different. It was all his – a manifestation of the butterflies he felt around Jeno, brief moments of vulnerability that came with their innocent touches, slowly coiling up in Donghyuck’s chest until it was begging to unwind, to just give in. It had finally snapped when Jeno gave him a questionable kiss.

It wasn’t the first song that Donghyuck produced fully by himself, but it was the most personal – chicken scrawls on a napkin that he nurtured over the past 2 weeks of camping in the studio alone. It suddenly felt too real, all of his feelings spilled into a song that would be posted for the world to critic.

The air conditioner was blasting cool air and numbed his cheeks, freezing them into a constipated expression. In front, Mark had his back facing Donghyuck with his headphones on – the super expensive ones that they got for the studio. He didn’t have to look at the monitor to know what was displayed.

A thought presented itself after laying at the bottom of his mental clutter for so long – _an old memory_. He vaguely recalled the words, _”Rather than hiding behind letters, the best way is to just tell him face to face.”_ Donghyuck knew that it was cowardly of him, but even hiding behind an MP3 was nerve-wracking.

A soothing hand patted his back, distracting him from his internal dialogue for a moment. 

“It’s not like you to be so nervous. I’m sure it’s great,” Kun said, ruffling through his hair affectionately. His presence was soothing, and it helped that Kun was always right. He was a mentor that had earned his respect with his expertise in production and his leadership. He was more like an older brother than his boss. 

The office chair swiveled around and stopped abruptly, the headphone wires around Mark’s head. He cleared his throat, embarrassed, before untangling himself from the mess.

“Well, Hyuck,” Mark spoke slowly before pausing, the end of his lips kept twitching up before they were pressed into a firm line. Donghyuck saw right through Mark, who was terrible at teasing – practically an open-book.

“It needs some final edits, but the world has to hear this! I think it’s pretty damn cool.” Mark’s nerdy smile plastered on his face.

Upon hearing that, Donghyuck relaxed considerably. 

“I know, I just needed a second opinion,” Donghyuck cocked his head to a side and gave Mark a sly grin.

Beside them, Kun stood up and walked over the write board and wrote down three words before they started an informal meeting, bouncing ideas off each other.

❅

During spring break, excluding Jaemin, Jeno met Mark the most. It felt like he was seeing Mark a lot even though it was the same old weekly lunch catch-up. Without the study sessions he had with Donghyuck, his meetings with Mark seemed to be more prominent in his memory 

This time, they had lunch at a Ramen place an hour away from campus. It was convenient for Mark since it was near the studio he and Donghyuck worked at, hidden in between two provision stores. There were the classic red and black curtains at the store front above the sliding doors.

Jeno found solace in Mark’s presence – steady and comforting. There was a silent bond over feeling like a foreigner despite being ethnically Korean. Nowadays, it seemed as though Renjun, a Chinese, knew more than him about the culture. 

Their conversations were slow, flowing like a small river. Talking had always been easy with Mark, who sometimes ran off tangent but often paused for Jeno to intersect. Mark shifted his high chair closer so they could huddle together to look at his Android phone – an inconvenience when the gang wanted to airdrop photos. Mark let Jeno hold his phone and when he stopped at a photo, he rambled about the story behind the photo, tiny adventures with a thousand words. Mark always had a spark in his eyes when talking about Xuxi.

When Jeno scrolled down, he saw a photo of Donghyuck. It was a candid shot – his face tilting to the left and a mild pout hanging on his face. The shine of his brown orbs that Jeno was used to seeing was covered by the shade of his navy bucket hat. 

_Donghyuck_.

Spring semester was like slow dancing in the dark. There was an abstract weight that hung in the air when Donghyuck and his eyes met. It was unrecognizable – it was too short to analyse. They still saw each other every week, but that was about it. Donghyuck made it loud and clear, by hanging off Renjun's arm, that he did not want Jeno to approach him. 

It was ironic how it started with Jeno trying to mend Mark and Donghyuck relationship, but now theirs was broken. 

Jeno looked down at his bowl that remained untouched before pushing it over to Mark, who frowned and put down his chopsticks. 

“Bro, are you okay?” Mark’s eyes were round with concern. His mouth didn’t close immediately, moving around to find words to say.

Perhaps it was the concern on Mark’s face that made Jeno confess, “I think I fought with Hyuck.”

“What do you mean you think,” Mark said as his pointer and middle finger bent to emphasise on the open-inverted commas.

“I did something I shouldn’t have,” Jeno said. He trusted Mark but it was too embarrassing to admit what he did. Yangyang had made sure to shame him thoroughly. But that was fine, Yangyang already knew about their past.

“Well, if you think that Donghyuck is ignoring you, I don’t think so, he’s- uh,” Mark scratched his cheeks to recollect his thoughts. He continued, “He’s working on a big project now so he’s very busy. And tired, so maybe a little pissy.”

But he had been pissed for months, Jeno wanted to say. He was tired of them running around in circles. 

Jeno looked to Mark for guidance, confusion stirring in his gut. Mark leaned closer until he could pat Jeno’s shoulder. 

“I’m not supposed to tell you this but Donghyuck is going to have a debut stage! He’s super busy so don’t be sad if he doesn’t give you attention,” Mark whispered, the other hand cupping beside his mouth. It had made no difference with how loudly he spoke.

“What do you mean by debut stage,” Jeno whispered back.

“It means he will be performing his song on music shows,” Mark exclaimed, clapping his hands together excitedly.

☀

When Donghyuck stepped off the stage, he was still thriving off the adrenaline and the screams from the crowd. His head was still swirling with the stage lights, but his thoughts were sharp and clear. He made a beeline to the dressing room, bowing to the staff that he saw on the way. He was hoping to catch a breather alone before he left the building.

As soon as he twisted the doorknob, cheers could be heard. Not the cheers on stage, but laughter that he was familiar with. Donghyuck couldn’t see much because Renjun leaped right straight to his arms. Donghyuck caught him from reflexes alone. 

“So proud of you,” Renjun screamed. He hugged him and whispered, “Jeno liked it by the way, I think.” He giggled. Huang Renjun freaking giggled.

After Renjun jumped down with much reluctance, Donghyuck surveyed the room to see all his friends, including Mr. Moon and Jungwoo who must have been in-charge of getting them in. His gaze lingered on Jeno’s smiling face and then the bouquet of sunflowers, wrapped delicately in brown paper. He would have ogled more but an arm slung over his shoulder.

“You want him in your love zone _huh_ , wonder who he is,” a smug voice said. It was no other than Na Jaemin.

“Shh... He’s right here. Shut up before I kick you,” Donghyuck let out in hushed whispers, his eyes still on Jeno, who was making his way over. He resorted to discreetly punching Jaemin with his elbow to shoo him away. 

“You came,” Donghyuck said as he accepted the bouquet. His pitch rose at the end, as if it was a question more than an observation; like he could not believe that Jeno was really there.

“Of course. You always come support me at my shoots after all,” Jeno replied. He gestured at the bouquet, “Hoped you like them? The florist recommended them,” Donghyuck could only nod because his throat was dry – a thirst that only could be inflicted and quenched by Jeno. 

Sunflowers symbolised adoration, loyalty and _friendship_. Donghyuck only knew it because they were Renjun’s favourite flowers to paint. Renjun said they reminded him of Donghyuck, the round pistil dark like his tan skin but their petals bright like the sun. Sunflowers made Renjun happy so they had grown on Donghyuck, but receiving them from Jeno felt like a slap. There was a laughter ricocheting in his head to applaud himself. His lyrics were so spot on that it hurt. _Why did he have to pine so hard?_

“The song is really nice. Cute outfit by the way,” Jeno added on, giving him a once over. 

_Was Lee Jeno complimenting him?_

For the record, Donghyuck was dressed in clothes that were unlike him – white crew neck tucked into white pants, with a pink knitted vest worn over. His shoes were the standard white sneakers paired with asymmetrical tube socks of pink and lilac.

Donghyuck’s usually warm skin burned intensely at the compliment. His ears were tingling and they must be red. Donghyuck resisted the urge to rub them. He didn’t want to give Jeno the pleasure of knowing that he was flustered. 

☀

Kun extended an open invitation for dinner. Since he booked a private room, their table was filled with loud hoots and the clinking of glasses for most of the night. 

Donghyuck was positively buzzed after the obligatory soju shots since Kun decided to abuse his senior rights. At some point, Renjun helped him take some shots, arguing with the elder in rapid fires of Chinese. He only caught ‘slowly’, ‘puke’ and ‘cry’ but he nodded at their conversation blanking.

At random intervals, sharp waves of dizziness came over him, so he leaned onto Jeno, who was conveniently beside him. Jeno let’s him stay there and continued talking to Mark. 

Donghyuck took a sniff and found delight in Jeno’s delicious scent – a hint of vanilla over his natural woody scent. His nose dived into the nape of Jeno’s neck and snuggled there. 

It wasn’t to get Jeno’s attention but he got it anyway – with his fingers running through his hair, then patting it gently with his large hands.

When Jeno replied to Mark, his adam’s apple bobbed enthusiastically and Donghyuck could feel the vibrations that ran across his throat. _Just like a cat purring_ , Donghyuck gaped that information, unsure of what to make off it. He was about to relay his observation when he detected another adorable detail – a tiny mole under the bulb of Jeno’s nose. Donghyuck wanted to kiss it. 

_Oh, and also the one by his eyes and his cheek._

In his drunken stupor, it was a brilliant idea. His head was heavy on Jeno’s shoulder so as a compromise, he pressed his pointer finger into his nose mole that ended up in his nose instead. He catched Mark clapping animatedly and the ringing of laughter in his ear. 

That was the last thing he heard before his consciousness faded.

The next time he felt more alive than dead, his body was rocking up and his legs hanging in the air. There was something warm against his chest. The scent of vanilla wood still lingered. He could feel himself slipping, so he tightened his arms around whoever he was hanging off.

A gentle voice called out to him. “Hyuckie? You awake?”

Donghyuck nodded softly and his lips touched Jeno’s neck. Jeno’s skin is smooth and slightly hairy. The feeling of skin on skin was dizzying. The heady adrenaline made him sober up considerably when he opened his eyes.

Thankfully, Jeno was oblivious and he kept walking with Donghyuck on his back, pushing up his ass when he was falling. Jeno was humming a song that he had heard before, his head swinging to and fro, against Donghyuck’s lips. Since he was in the safe zone, he indulged and puckered up his lips, placing a little more intent behind his secret kisses.

“I really liked your song, like a lot,” Jeno huffed out. The sounds of crickets were amplified with the suspense, as if hankering him to continue with their unique supporting orchestra act. 

Donghyuck tightened his interlaced fingers in anticipation and equal parts dread. 

“I can’t help but wonder who it is about,” Jeno sighed. Jeno’s footsteps faltered, then they stopped. 

When Donghyuck craned his head back, he realised that they were moving uphill. The street lights looking over them shed some light, but the pit of the slope was shrouded in darkness until he saw a flicker of white. He turned back, as if the spots in his vision scarred him.

“Is it about Xuxi?”

At that, Donghyuck jumped off from Jeno’s back – shocked and ready to protest, the truth at the tip of his tongue. He should bite it back before it ruined his friendship with Jeno again. He clenched his fist in frustration.

Jeno faced him and his dark eyes studied Donghyuck’s face, his gaze steady and observant. They both stay like this for a while. Long enough for the layers of excuses and cowardice to peel away and expose his core to Jeno – one that craved so intensively for him; one that just wanted to hold his hands; one that sped up solely for him. Under the spotlights that shined so brightly, there was no place to hide. He was the one holding the mike.

Donghyuck forgot several things. 

Firstly, that Jeno was his own person and Donghyuck had no control over him – not the way he twisted himself to be. 

Secondly, Jeno had a heart of gold and he was loyal towards the people he had committed to, including Donghyuck. 

Mostly importantly, he forgot that it was never just about him. The world wasn’t spinning for him and under this starless sky. He forgot that he was sharing a stage with Jeno, who held a mike too.

“I wish that the song… Nevermind,” Jeno rushed out. 

“No! You have to tell me now!” Donghyuck knew that he looked like a child when stomping his feet, but he needed to know. 

“I wish it was about me. Your song, I mean,” Jeno stuttered out. Donghyuck only knew because he was reading his lips. The other senses had already left his body. There was no point in words, when nothing came close to describing the incapacitation yet the surge of energy that came with loving Jeno.

Under the watchful moon and the guidance of a passing breeze, Donghyuck kissed Jeno. The feeling of Jeno’s dry lips on his glossed lips felt perfect. The other gasped, his opened mouth opportune for Donghyuck to explore. He bit on Jeno’s bottom lip instead, nibbling it gently and Jeno’s arm flew around him – his hands on the small of his back. Their waists were flushed together but he wanted to be closer. He cupped Jeno’s face and his thumb moved along his jaw that was rumoured to be cut. He didn't bleed. Of course he didn’t – _Jeno is the softest boy_. He felt extremely undeserving of Jeno but if he wanted him, he could be selfish. 

Donghyuck’s lips glided over Jeno’s face carelessly and it lingered at the mole by his eyes, before he shifted them to kiss his cheek, then at his nose. Jeno bursted into a fit of giggles. His nostrils flared up, warm air tickling Donghyuck’s cheek. _He looks stupid, in a endearing way._

“Yeah, I’m stupid but so are you.” Jeno replied. “We are stupid.” His hands tightened around Donghyuck’s waist.

“I’m smart! Only stupid when it comes to you.” As soon as he replied, he was already clawing at Jeno’s to kiss him again. There was a whine in Jeno’s throat, words he wanted to say before Donghyuck swallowed them, claiming him greedily. _They could talk later._ In his needy haze, he felt Jeno’s hand on his ass but it was different from the piggyback. This touch burned him and turned him on and he wanted to purr, to feel Jeno everywhere on him. _And also in him_. He moaned, parting his mouth as he panted. Jeno responded promptly, licking him exactly where he wanted. The exchange of spit should be disgusting – he always had a no kissing rule for one night stands – but he didn’t have the bandwidth to feel grossed out with the pleasant surge of sweetness with Jeno. It almost felt poetic and he filed it away. Maybe he would make Jeno his muse.

Donghyuck’s attention was back when his shoulder slammed against a brick wall, right in front of someone’s house. Donghyuck almost felt sorry until Jeno’s hands slid under his shirt, touch sending electricity that coursed through his body. Jeno’s tongue ran across his lower lip and Donghyuck was so sensitive. His hips shot up, grinding pathetically against Jeno’s jeans for that sweet friction. He was practically on Jeno’s lap now and before the last thread of sensibility left him, he moaned, “ _Baby_ , your place?” 

Jeno’s eyes were glazed over, stunned before he replied with enthusiastic puppy-like nods. Their sweaty foreheads knocked against each other and Jeno leaned in for one last gentle peck before grinning like he had won the lottery, all while holding eye contact – gaze sickeningly-sweet and fond. Perhaps that kiss was his favourite.

♡

The sunrays streamed in the room through the thin pale blue curtains. The birds were already chirping, humming a love song that roused Jeno from his slumber. Something hairy tickled his chest so he readjusted the fluffy head back on the pillow. Jeno sat up, supporting his head with his palm and leaned back for a better view.

Yesterday felt like a _fever dream_ , even with their limbs tangled together under the comforter. Donghyuck’s skin burned beautifully against his chest, breathing gently. His eyes were closed gently and his cute nostrils flaring as he exhaled. His usual cheeky expression is the epitome of bliss and comfort now. Jeno wanted to run his fingers on his tan skin, mapping the constellations on his cheek then tracing them down his neck. 

_Oh_ , there were dark bruises painted over his neck and chest – a result of the heady pleasure clouding his head when it came to Donghyuck. He was always a whirlwind, a hailstorm despite also being the overwhelming heat wave of the summer. He was simultaneously so much at once and Jeno cannot escape his grasp.

The way Jeno used Donghyuck as a chew toy was grotesque. A sick sense of satisfaction rose in his chest as he admired his work.

Donghyuck groaned when he woke up, his tiny face was scowling at the sunlight. Jeno couldn’t help but wipe off the tiny crusts that gathered in the corner of his eyes. A slow smile took over Donghyuck's face at his gesture. He threw grabby hands and pouted for a kiss. Jeno chuckled before he leaned over and the glide of their lips were gentle, unlike their frantic yearning last night. Donghyuck stretched and met him halfway but his expression turned sour. 

A worry replaced Jeno’s pleasure. He thought he had read the signs wrong again.

"Jeno Lee, you're such a fucking monster. This is the most sore I have been in a while." 

Jeno frowned. He didn't mean for his proposition to become a one night stand. He thought he had made his intentions clear but maybe it wasn't clear enough. Or they were but Donghyuck only wanted to sleep with him, no strings attached. Or maybe the song wasn't about him after all.

"It was a mistake," he panicked. Donghyuck's face fell and he knew he could have worded that better. "I don't want us to just have sex. I want more than that." They both inhaled heavily and Jeno thought he caught a glimmer in his eye. 

"What I'm saying is that I want us to be boyfriends. If you want, of course."

The flash of glimmer became a film of glaze. It thickened and blobs of tears started falling. Jeno's hands reacted before he could hold back but Donghyuck had already wiped away his tears. His chest ached as Donghyuck threw weak punches at him. Donghyuck wailed, his expression contorting to one of pain. His mouth gaped like a fish and all Jeno could do was to hold his hand. He wasn't pushed away.

"Dummy! I wanted to be the one to ask you out. Wanted to bring you on dates before we sleep together but now my plan is ruined thanks to my stupid dick."

 _Oh_ , Jeno sighed in relief at the other's confession. 

"You can ask me now. Spoiler though, I would only say yes." 

Donghyuck puffed his chest out, "You shouldn't make it so easy for me Jen but okay. Will you go out for breakfast with me?"

Jeno raised his eyebrow at that. "Oh, so I'm a challenge."

"No nerd, I'm saying you should be harder on me as my boyfriend,” Donghyuck chuckled. It was more beautiful than any of his songs – fireworks erupted in Jeno, spreading joy everywhere. 

♡

The steam that clogged up the bathroom rushed out when Jeno opened the door. The temperature difference made him shiver and he quickly grabbed the shirt he had thrown on the chair. Donghyuck had his stomach flat against his bed, his warm skin standing out against the navy blue and white striped bed sheets. He acknowledged Jeno with a cute smile before returning his attention back to the call. As a diversion, Jeno ran his hand over Donghyuck's shirtless back as a silent plea for attention. The other shuddered under his touch and his smile slowly broke down, biting down his lips to hold back a whine. 

Jeno had never understood bullies but at this moment, he wanted to tease his new boyfriend so badly, so he leaned in for a kiss before saying, "Shower's ready, Hyuckie."

From this close, a huge screech could be heard over the receiver, "YOU FUCKED?" It was no other than Renjun. "You sure missed out a crucial detail when you said that you 'slept over' at Jeno's place." Shuffling could be heard and another voice asked, "Okay fess up, who initiated?"

"It was Jeno I think?" He looked at Jeno for reassurance, so he repeated, "Yeah, it was me."

"Injunnie~ pay up," Jaemin said as Renjun screamed.

♡

After his first official debut as a singer, Donghyuck was scheduled for shoots and interviews. It was time consuming and tiresome but he sucked it up because this was part and parcel of being in the industry.

Today’s interviews were done in a meeting room for 4. The decor was kept plain with a dark wood desk and round, copper and cushioned seats. At the corner of the room, there was a Philodendron plant potted in a matted whine cylinder pot.

“Congratulations Haechan-ssi,” the blonde interviewer shook his hand before they settled into their seats. Her intern who was holding a laptop sat beside her. The chair beside Donghyuck was empty.

“Your newest single, “Friend zone” had been top 10 in Melon charts for 3 weeks counting. You also got your first win recently, how do you feel?”

“I’m extremely grateful ! I never expected it to be so well received,” Donghyuck answered.

“That’s great! When I’m reading the comments, there are a number of comments like these, ‘Haechan, because of your music, I have gained the courage to confess! Wish me luck!’ Wonder if you have seen these?” Donghyuck nodded his head, light brown strands falling into his eye. 

“You have said that this is a classic song about seeing friends in a romantic light, but I was wondering if you had any personal experience?”

This woman was _dangerous_. 

Her makeup was simple and youthful with coral eyeshadows and brown eyeliner. There was glitter piled delicately on her eye bags, the pink flex shimmering whenever her head bobbed. Donghyuck knew better to judge, for her speech hinted at her intelligence and years of knowledge. She did her research and probed in the right direction.

Donghyuck lets out a dry chuckle, “I think everyone has moments like this. Especially after puberty, people get more attractive. You might look at your annoying classmate and suddenly think they are cute. I’m no stranger to that sudden realisation. I never acted on it. Girls were scared of me because of my scar.” He pointed on his brow bone just to make his point.

“That’s quite sad. Fans think it’s cute though, gives you personality,” she quickly pegged on. 

"Next, we already know how the dynamic duo of the modelling and music industry met.” The interviewer alternated the legs that were crossed and shifted leaned her upper body slightly forward. “The real question is, how did you four get to know each other?"

This was easy, they had already discussed this beforehand. 

Donghyuck fixed his bangs before answering, "Oh! Surprise! Jeno and I are from the same hometown. We lost touch until he came back for University. You could say that we hit it off immediately. For me and Jaemin… Shout out to my best friend Renjun! He got to know him first and we kind of just hung out together."

Donghyuck allowed his gaze to linger on the repeating parallel lines of the large green leaves. He counted them as her intern’s fingers flew over the keyboard with the rhythmic clicking of keys on a Macbook. 

"Haechan-ssi, there's this bracelet you always wear. Does it have any meaning?"

Donghyuck chuckled and leaned in closer to peek at her name tag so that he can commit it to memory. _Better beware._

"It's a birthday gift from my parents… Can’t remember how old but I was so small then I had to wear it on my ankle." Warm rippled in his chest as he recalled the fond memory – their first date. 

♡

_Jeno had picked out the retro French restaurant at the outskirts of Seoul. Jungwoo had been the one who drove them there and before Donghyuck exited, he winked and made a scandalous gesture with his hands. They didn’t have sex that night. Instead, they spent a long time at the restaurant because Jeno insisted on holding hands under the table, away from prying eyes. They opened up about how they felt during their exchanges in teenage years for the first time._

_Throughout the night, they have gravitated closer on the semicircle seat until Donghyuck had ended up half on Jeno’s lap. The other’s hand was locked securely on his waist until he pulled out a silver bracelet._

_There was a vague memory of the small silver hoops in repeating patterns – a memento he had given on impulse so that the other would remember him._

_It could be any bracelet without any meaning but Jeno had sneakily attached a crystal snowflake onto the chain._

_It’s silly but I want you to carry a part of me. I think there will be too much gossip if I get a promise ring,” Jeno said._

♡

The interview cleared her throat, putting a halt on Donghyuck’s train of thought.

“I lost it for a while, but it found its way to me.”

What Donghyuck meant to say was: Jeno and him found their way to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have made it here, thank you so much for reading! This project had been many of my firsts (fest, writing for nohyuck, working on something so long) so I had a tough time.
> 
> If this has brought you even a little joy or sadness, feel free to leave a kudo or comment! 
> 
> their mock [instagram](https://likeariver.carrd.co/#insta) | please look at the [carrd](https://likeariver.carrd.co/#) i made 🥺
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/renjunkittycat) | [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/lemonjun)


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